Its such bullshit

How do you expect someone to be so cool when you are being a complete asshole?

You arent doing anything important and yet me asking you to do something small that takes a few seconds maybe minutes is like me asking you to fucking write me a 600 word essay on like some super secret thing that is difficult to find...

How do you expect me not to get mad?

You acting like a complete fucking dickhead will make me fucking upset so dont fucking act like i have no fucking right to be fucking upset.

So fuck you, fatass

Sports vs sex

Its so amazing to me how a fucking stupid ass sport is more important to this motherfucker than his own girlfriend...

Who he's not gonna see for a whole week next week and said that he wanted his girlfriend to stay over until he left

Hmm... Interesting

Its so fucking stupid. If men are so in love with sports than why don't they just date sports because if i was watching somethn and would only miss like 2-4 minutes of it to go pick up someone that i supposedly love, then i would be like "ohkay lemme go get (said person)" 

Thats fucked up

Boys are so stupid

Sooo...

He hasnt told me he loves me

He complains that i dont kiss him first when he never kisses me first

He acts like i'm not allowed to be upset when i fuckin am

Think about it, we act almost exactly the same except the "babe" and "i love you" thing and maybe i'm "overreacting" but i'm realy not

Me and him have been together for technically 1 year and 7 months... I think thats enough time for us to say that we love each other even after a big fight

Its like he only cares about me bcuz he wants to get his "dicky sticky"

Ooh and, he always calls me and tries to be romantic ONLY when he's drunk

I get when he was "punishing me" for that week, but whats goin on now is bullshit... Complete and utter bullshit

I'm sorry but thats just how i feel

And i'm getting more and more upset the more we hang out and the fact that he aint even doin anythn like that for me

So yeah, i'm pissed...

I guess...

With the way everything is going

I guess we're starting all over

He never says i love you to me

He doesn't call me babe

He just seems to not care

To not wanna try

And i really don't feel like trying if he doesn't want to.

I honestly dunno what i'm supposed to do

I'm not really sure what we are doing

It just feels like we're starting all over and honestly, its kind of bullshit...

I guess we'll see what happens

I just hope we're not moving backwards... Because thats really unfair

What to believe

Do i believe him? Sometimes i do and sometimes i don't

Its hard to believe in someone that has betrayed you before... Its hard to believe in someone that says nothin is goin on but then i hear somethn different from somebody else.

I'm not saying i believe in rumors, nor am i saying that i don't trust him.

Its more of just like, if you wanna be stupid, don't expect me to hold your hand after you are done.

I'm just really hoping i'm not being made a fool of. 

I guess we'll see what happens.

I just felt defeated and alone all week, so its kinda hard to stay upbeat and positive when you honestly do not know what is going on.

I'm trying to be cool, calm, and collected and because normally nothing is going on and i'm just trippin...

I just really hope that continues to be the case, but i guess we'll see.

I know how to play it to find out if its real.

I'm always scared of what i do not know.

I'm just hoping that everything is okay now, and i dont have to worry anymore.

I just want things to be better

I really just wish things were better

I love him very much and i want us to be back

I just wish things were back to when we used to cuddle and kiss and fuck :P

I just miss him... So much

Compromise

It actually makes me really sad that he doesn't want to see me or talk to me.

Like what boyfriend doesn't want to see or talk to their girlfriend often?

I just wish he cared more

I feel like i'm the only who really want to be in this relationship

Like how can someone not miss someone they supposedly love... 

Idunno, i guess our relationship has turned to shit.. And i dont really know what to do about it.

:/ i just wanna be loved, i just want to be cared about, i just wanna be missed.

I guess we'll see what happens. I guess i just need to learn to stop caring.

Rant

You are a fat worthless piece of shit and what you see is all your fault

I hope you die you lumpy sack of shot. I hope you get liver cancer and die

I hope you get a heart attack and die

I hope your nxt whore gives you AIDs and you die

You treat me like shit? Then fine. If we "decide to stay together," ima treat you like shit... See how you like it.

Dueces cocksucker.

Confirmation

Yeaaaah.. After tonight, i am very certain i am going to kill myself after thanksgiving

The truth

No one really cares if i am dead or alive

So i really dunno why i am keeping myself alive

I am a shitty makeup artist

I have no friends

And the friends i "do have" have way better friends that will fulfill the "whole" i would leave in them

I know that my boyfriend doesn't care because i can tell he feels better without me

I'm not skinny, i'm not pretty... I add nothing to this earth. I am seriously just a huge waste of space

I seriously should just kill myself.

I think I will... After thanksgiving.. 'Cause i've been looking forward to a home-cooked turkey dinner for like ever

After that... Whats the point

I'm ugly, i'm useless, i'm stupid and no one cares

If you do "care" don't bother trying to stop me. I've made up my mind

HAHAHAHAHA wow, you fuckin liar

So he's been tryna pin me as a person who hides our relationship or that i am flirting with everyone

Lol well then why did i just read a message with some girl telling you to run around naked

And i'm hiding things? Why was your relationship status hidden and only set to be shown to a specific group

Lol you been caught

I changed it so now everyone can see it

Try to fuck with me now

I caught you

i cant think of a title

i dont get how caring is such a fucking crime
i think you not caring is a crime
all i want is for you to be fucking happy
and i feel like the only thing that makes you happy is my fucking misery
all i want is for you to share things with me
and actually be happy with me and its so unfuckingfair the way you treat me
you treated the biggest whore in the world like a fucking princess
but me who geniunely cares about you, you can not fucking spare a goddamn fucking moment for me and i fucking hate it
you wonder why i fucking cry and bitch and moan all the time where there you go
this is why
you hate me
and ya know what, sometimes i think i hate you too

you constantly hurt my feelings and i am sick of it

if change does not happen soon then i am just going to leave
because i am sick of this
i'm sick of not being heard
i'm sick of being blown off
and i am sick of being your rag doll that you play with when you need me

that is not me
i am sick of being treated that way

so either love me and show that to me
or don't and leave

because i am tired of crying, i am tired of hurting, and i am just tired in general.

because you are a self-righteous douche

if you know a self-righteous douche
then just agree with him until he shuts the fuck up
because when this douchebag lies, they will never admit that they suck and that they are a liar
because obviously they are way too much of an idiot to do anything that makes any sense
so just keep agreeing with them till they just shut the fuck up
because they are idiots
and no one cares about them.

I wish...

I wish you were more supportive

I wish you were actually romantic

I wish you were nicer to me

I wish you noticed me

I wish you would take care of me

I wish you would show that you loved me

I wish I could see that you care

I wish I didn't have to ask things of you

Why is this so hard? Why are these things I have to wish for?

Questions

When did chivalry become so outdated? 

Why do men suck?

Why can't you be nice?

Why do men change after they got you?

Why can't men be good?

Why can't i be happy?

Wtf do i do with my life?

angry words that dont mean a thing

you fucking stupid fucking asshole
lying mother fucker
i wanna punch you in your stupid idiot face
i hope you get herpes from all your whores you stupid fucking cunt
ya know what i hate most about you
your fucking secrets
like are you fucking kidding
stop fucking hiding shit
you stupid fucking dickfucker
whatever, start by fucking yourself... then the rest of the world
fuck you
fuck your friends
and fuck everything you care about
fuck you

.... i feel better now.

You say...

You say you've dated sluts, psycho paths, and liars and you wanted to put me right in there with them and fine do it, i really dont care. But, i was never like that before you. I was actually very smart, very sweet and very determined to make a difference. 

I've known for awhile that i didnt deserve the bullshit you put me through

And now i know for sure that i dont

I also know that you brought out the worst person in me and i will never forgive you for that

I dont know what we had, but i never want it again... Never.

The now

Now i dont have to care of think about his feelings no matter what i do

I plan on leaving tmrw to fremont hopefully this week going to chicago to stay forever

There are way cooler people there anyways, plus i'll actually get to live with my dad... And you know what they say. The only man a girl can depend on isnher daddy

Not some psycho-pathic jerk with a drugged out mother tryna get you 

 HA stupid cunts

I can't wait to leave

Have fun with all the STDs mister

I could have really changed for you, but you wouldnt for me

So i am DONE 

AND THATS A WRAP.

Goodnight ya'll

Life begins now

Ya know what i dont get

Him and his guy friends talk about all these slutty girls that they've been with

And a lot of his friends r with slutty girls but they are so whipped on their girlfriends 

And yet i am basically this perfect angel other than my anger problems and... He treats me like shit

I dont get it

Why cant he love me furreal

Do i hve to be a slut for him to love me?

Because if so... Then maybe me and him shouldnt be together

I cant do that

I'm like not like that

I dont get why he cant really love me... Like really an truly love me

Its unfair

Shouldn't it break your heart

I know whenever i see someone crying, i automatically feel sad.

I can literally cry for hours 

He will see it

And not care

No matter how mad i am at him, if i see him cry.. I will feel bad

He doesnt, he doesnt care

I honestly dont think he loves me

Whether it be anymore or at all... Maybe he never really loved me

Maybe he just needed some nookey... Needed someone who he knew would love him no matter what he did

Why am i such a sucker

I'm such a loser

I hate myself.

Barely trusted

I honestly am starting to trust him less and less.

He spends less time with me now.

He is always on his phone

When i get near him and he's texting someone, he exits out of it so quick

He tells me nothing is going on and that he just needs his phone for work

But what if he's lying

I try looking through his phone but he's always clinging to it so its hard to get to.

I want to trust him but he doesn't really show me things that make me able to trust him.

Yes he's bought me a bunch of gifts and is able to be very nice to me but... Sometimes i dont feel like thats enough.

I just hope i can shake this.

I am dating the biggest jerk

He yells at me over everything and anything

He takes his phone everwhere like its his baby

He snapchats with girls and wont really tell me who they are

He controls me all the time

And leaves me when i'm sick

I hate him

He only cares about his stupid self and i hate it

I'm sick of having him treat me like this...

Why cant he be sweet all the time

I feel like he only pretends to be sweet so he can get some

I'm sick of this

I'm sick of him

All i really want

I really feel like life has become an enemy of mine.

I feel like i literally get the middle finger from God all the time.

I'm so sick of the bullshit i am constantly dealt. I dont deserve it and i dont need it.

Lets talk about true fairness...

A relationship is always about "in sickness and in health."

I dont care if thats a friendship, a dating relationship or a marriage.

No matter what, if you actually care about someone, you should want to take care of them and make sure they are always okay.

For example, lets say your boyfriend is getting mad at you over something that to you feels pretty small but he blows it up out of proportion and ends up making you feel like shit causing you to cry super hard for hours at your friends party. You can't say that you weren't wrong for what you did but you know that it didnt need to be handled the way it was. You end up spending a lot of the party by yourself trying so hard to stop crying but you're still shedding a few tears. It becomes close to 3am and your boyfriend comes stumbling over sloppy drunk. You ask your friend to help you walk home with your mentally incapacitated bf and you guys go on your way. You try to hold him up, to keep him quiet and to keep him out of harms way. When you get home, he continues to yell at you for God only knows what then he starts to make noises like he's gonna throw up. You rush him to the bathroom, let him throw up, make him food to help him feel better, keep giving him water to keep hydrated, change his clothes for him because he can't take them off or put them on himself and there is throw up all over it, then you lay him in bed and wait however long you need to till you know he's asleep.

All of that sounds pretty loving and caring, right?

But lets say you randomly feel sick, can't eat dinner, and all you want is some quiet darkness for your stomach to calm down but instead your bf gets mad at you for not eating a meal he prepared even though you helped with a lot of it as well and you keep telling him you feel sick but all he cares about is that you are not eating his food.

Or lets say something happens and you've been crying for hours and ypur boyfriend, who is always supposed to love you and care for you, just lets you lay there or sit there by yourself and let you continue to hurt.

I know i am not perfect and i know that i am not alwaya sensative or clearheaded... But i never stop taking care of the people i love. 

A little appreciation

I do a lot of things for him and i'm not saying he doesn't do anything ever for me, but i do a lot of things for him. 

He basically just sits on his ass all day and just clicks on things and calls that work... 

He undermines everything that i do as if i am barely human, as if everything that i know... Everything that i feel is meaningless, worthless, and useless.

I hate it. I hate is so much.

He pushes me farther and farther away from what i believed between us was love. 

I just want to be completely appreciated by him.

Once when he was drunk he told me that he doesn't deserve me... And he's right. He is absolutely right and i know that deep down he knows it too. He was speaking the truth when he was wasted but he will never admit it to me now.

I just want him to stop pushing me around. I am not below him... If anything, for all the shit he puts me through... I am way above him.

People constantly tell me that i deserve better and i believe them... But he has a hold on me.

Sometimes... Love truly sucks.

Control Freak

I've been a very independent woman my whole life and i've never tried to control anyone but now i am dating someone who tries to control every aspect of my life. He constantly controls me and always has to be right. He can never take responsibility for his actions or feel bad for anything that he does. He gets mad at me when i'm rude but he never sees what he does to me. He's such an arrogant prick and i don't get why he can never be nice. I thought when people are in love they need to also know how to be nice but iguess he doesnt know what to do... I wish he would be nice.

Interruptions

There is nothing i hate worse than someone interrupting me.

I will literally drop my story or what i was saying if you interrupt me...

Even if you ask "oh sorry what did you say?" Or something like that.

I seriously cannot stand it. 

I hate it

Don't interrupt me because i will hate you

No life line

You wonder all the time "what am i here for?" "What am i doing?" "What does it all mean?"

But i ask the "why" questions...

Why am i here? Why do i exist? Why cant i kill myself? Why was i created?

If there is a god... I would ask him/her/it all those questions... And wonder what is its purpose for making me this way.

I am a severely flawed human being... I barely feel human sometimes, i feel more like a creature... A monster.

I get these thoughts put into my head and it becomes hard to differ between reality and fantasy.

I dont even know who i am anymore.

I dont know why i lash out.

I dont know why i still exist.

I dont know why my self torture hasnt taught me my own lesson.

Maybe i am crazy, maybe i should be locked away, maybe everything is all my fault.

I'm just so full of heartache, dissappointment, regret, and self-angst.

I dont see the point in being me anymore.

I dont see the point in trying.

I dont see the point in voicing my opinions.

I dont see the point in anything.

I feel like i should be locked away

Put in a room where i can't hurt anyone anymore, not even myself.

I'm a danger to anyone who comes in contact with me.

I need a place. I need a cell.

 

I need a new self.

That Ex that always texts

I talked to a vast majority of my exs through text message and try to hang out with them as much as i can.

But... When an ex texts your at 12am or later... I feel like thats fishy.

I text my ex that late if i'm depressed or crying or need to get out of somewhere but i would not trust one just texting for no reason.

I know i shpuldn't care and i shouldn't be jealous but i can't help it.

I have to just continue to tell myself that if someone would do that to me then they're the idiot, not me. 

I just pray that everything thats going on is harmless... Because i would hate for my bad feeling about this to be right.

I think the worst part about whats going on is that she texted him in the middle of us being intimate... Which totally threw me off.

And then later he is like guarding his phone by taking it into the bathroom with him and every where else.

I'm just hoping my fear isn't or doesnt become a reality... I'm not ready for that.

How the prince turned into a frog

You would think you would know a person after 2 years right?

Well living with someone is a whole other life.

I thought i was ready for this... To be fully committed and to be fully ready to live with him but I was wrong.

I kept mentally abused by him, physically abused by his mom and even more recently... By him.

We used to be really great together and nothing ever seemed like it would go wrong.

He's so quick to blame me for everything and say that i'm the bitch and that i'm selfish.

He's never flat out called me a bitch till yesterday and i punched him in the face so hard.

I thought i would do that and it would teach him a lesson but no... He decided to hit me back so i just kept hitting him till our friends broke us up.

The funny part is that he was thinking all his friends were on his side... But no theu agreed with me more than him, which felt good... It left me know i wasn't crazy.

We've been fighting for at least 19 hours and honestly its annoying.

He constantly wants me to change but what he doesn't realize is that he's the one who needs to change now... We'll see what happens but I expect the worst.