what i have learned recently...

I know that I am a really difficult person to get along with
Because I have such a strong personality and sometimes its hard to handle

A lot of people don't understand why I usually put myself into a long distance relationship
And honestly, I like the space
I don't like feeling suffocated, I don't like being watched all the time
And I really like my privacy
At the same time though, I do love the affection of someone with me always

In any of these blog posts, I am not trying to diss him
Not at all
He's a great guy, like his normal personality is great
He was a good boyfriend for awhile
And maybe he didn't really mean to break my heart like 50,000x
But he did, and to me thats what makes him an asshole
It just doesn't make sense to me how he could be so in love one month
And then because things don't go his way, he just falls out of love with me

He says he's losing everything, when in reality...
Something, or someone, that should be very important to him and cares a lot about him
He's pushing that person away from him
And maybe its for the better, I honestly do not know

I can't say that I don't love him anymore
But I can't say that I don't dislike him either

I honestly feel like I have to hate him for awhile before I can really be his friend
I get that he wants us to still be close, because above everything else we were best friends
And thats awesome, its just going to be weird now because we were so involved with each other
And now all of that really doesn't seem to matter

I honestly don't know what going through his head
I don't understand what he is doing
And as much as he wants to pretend like he doesn't care
I know he does... either he does or he's really good at pretending when we are hanging out together

It just going to be weird to transition from being girlfriend-boyfriend
To just being friends

I can kind of understand why our relationship is difficult on him
Because he's so used to dating people with really no rules
Or a very small amount of rules
He's used to seeing his girlfriends like all the time

But I feel like his reaction is kind of unfair because I warned him about this
And he saw what it was like when I dated another guy from that area
But he still got involved with me

It just honestly does not make sense

Especially because I know I treated him really well
yes... I am hot-headed and I argue a lot
But I hope he knows that I cared for him more than anything else
And i fought because I was more so fighting for him so that he would understand where I'm coming from
I know that I was a really good girlfriend to him
Because I know that I was way more open with him than any other boyfriend
And I know that I definitely didn't see anyone the way I saw him

I can't say that I'm going to wait for him
Because that would just be stupid
I'm pretty sure he is never going to come back to me
And thats fine because, as cocky as it sounds, its his loss
I was probably the best girlfriend I could be
And I hope he appreciates that

I have to give him credit though too
He was really sweet and we had a lot of fun together
But I can't look at our past with a smile
At least I can't do it right now

Like I said earlier... I have to hate him for awhile to just get over everything and learn to live on
I do want to be friends with him
But thats just too hard to right now
Because I often feel like everything was just bullshit
Or that something else is going on that he just won't tell me

All I really know is that I have to be strong
And keep moving on

I'm really glad I always have my friends by my side <3
They keep me strong