Its been awhile...

So I know its been over a year since I have posted on here
That seems like a long time doesn't it
A lot has happened
Love has been there and left
But life recently just really hasn't been what I thought it would be like
I was thinking that I was having such a food life
Everything seemed so perfect, I couldn't even believe it
I mean, yeah, of course it was actually 100% perfect
But it was pretty fucking close
By the way, if my grammar or spelling is bad, sorry. This computer doesn't have spell check.
But anyways...
Lately I have been feeling really alone
I haven't even really been able to eat, which for me is a HUGE deal
And when I force myself to eat, I end up throwing it up
Not good.
It happened really just recently, when things that were falling apart got worse
A lot of bullshit has been going on in my life...
And I figured what better way to deal with it
Than share my personal story with the world wide web
Of course, not like anyone really reads my blog anyways :P

People in this world will always let you down
But for some reason we have this crazy idea in our heads that some people will be there for you no matter what
Like your best friends, or your relatives, or the people you are dating
Let me just tell you... its not true
Your best friends can ignore you... and not invite you to things they should know for a fact you want to do
Or not even care about the fact that its your birthday
Same with your family, they can completely forget about you... or treat you like an absolute child

The worst feeling of all though is not even being ignored or being forgotten
Its feeling like you are not good enough
There was one person that, even though we really didn't know each other as long as I've known my family or my best friends, made me feel so fit in this world
This person made me feel absolutely happy
But there's always a catch... now I feel lonely than ever
That person can tell you something that absolutely rips your heart apart
I know its not this person's fault, and I know its not really mine either
But it just sucks...
I guess maybe thats the real reason why I haven't been able to eat, or really think
I know that this person just feels this way, and I can't stop feelings
But the hardest part about that, is that I can't even stop my own feelings about it
I just keep wishing, hoping, and praying that things will get better
Yes... I said praying

Lately my feelings of emptyness have just led me to really not be motivated for anything
Not to wake up, not to get ready, not to do anything
I just feel like I'm not worth much and no matter what, I will never be good enough
I can't blame anyone for my emptyness but myself
I just wish things were different
I wish that things were the way they were when I was just so happy
I didn't care if people made fun of me, or were rude to me, or even if my family didn't care
All I cared about was that one special person did
Because I felt like I finally saw what love was like

I'm not saying I'm giving up, or rolling over
I'm just saying its so hard to accept whats going on
And feeling like its all my fault
I had waited so long to be that happy
And all the sudden it got snatched from under me
I just don't understand why it feels like I'm the only one who really cares anymore
About anything... about everything

I just wish someone would be there for me...
To hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay

I understand how this person is feeling though
The things we have to go through are just so unfair
But I know that things can get better
I just wish they would get better faster

Nothing really feels the same anything anymore without this person...
I miss talking to this person 24/7 and I miss our stupid little jokes
Things just don't feel complete anymore
I feel the tighter I grip, the more I get pushed away
And the more I let go, the more I get ripped apart within myself

I just feel like sometimes that person forgets about me, when all I think about is that special person

I feel like we're just stuck in a crappy situation
And it seems like we will never get out

I'm just really hoping we will get out of this...

I just want everything to be better
Because this person is so special to me
He's my best friend... the person I care about more than anything else in this whole world
And I just hope he feels the same
I want to feel like he feels that way for me again

I mean we're not perfect... but I know he's perfect for me
and I just hope he sees that I'm trying to be perfect for him