Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly

Life always has to really suck before it gets better
But doesn't that just suck?
I wish things were different
I wish I was different sometimes
I have this awful defense mechanism where I am just a complete bitch to people because I'm not sure how to deal with my own emotions
Sometimes it makes me totally forget who I am, or what I really want

I realize now that me acting that way doesn't do anything except damage me and the ones I love the most
Because I take it out on them the most
And the last thing I ever want to do is hurt those people

I hate when I get that way
I wish that I didn't have to be that way

I have hurt so many people being that way... especially myself

I can't accept things if they aren't exactly the way I want them to be
And I always wonder why my heart keeps breaking
Maybe because I just always set myself for failure
Maybe its because I expect too much
Maybe because I can never really see whats wrong with me
Even though I know there is something that is really wrong with me

I've been in love about 3 times... and most of those times I'm pretty sure I wasn't really in love
But this last time... I know for sure I will never feel the way I did, or maybe I should say do
But in reality I can't blame anybody but myself

My heart is in so much pain and its all my own fault
And I can't fix it, which makes me feel so much worse

If you love something, set it free
Thats what they always say
But they never tell you how much it fucking hurts to see that person go
Especially if you're the person that drove them away
And the thing that sucks worse... is that you are not sure if they will ever come back

I was so in love... so ready to get married to this person and be with them forever
But I fucked it up... and what I have to do is let him live on
But it sucks so bad because I know that I will never be the same
Because he's always going to have my heart... he's always going to be holding onto it, even when he doesn't remember me
I know that forever I will always remember this moment and the other moments that me and him have shared

I guess I should have been better and stronger for him
I wish I could have been perfect for him
I'm just so stupid for even thinking for a second that I was good enough for him

Maybe I took him for granted... thinking that he could really put up with my shit and fight for me
I am just so stupid for all that I did to make him feel bad
He's such an amazing person and I fucked it all up

But I guess there is nothing really left to do then to let him go
and even though it pains me to the very core of my body
At least I got to be with him and feel what love was like
And even though he won't really know... He will always have my heart

So I guess I have to thank him... for loving me when he did
And for putting up with my shit for as long as he did

I love you.