I know that title seems super depressing
But I just want to get a few things off my chest before I dip into what I really want to get out of this blog post
Earlier today I was super depressed
I even broke down and broke a very huge promise to myself
Which even right now I regret, but I am going to have to live with it
I have a tendency to let my feeling get in the way of everything
I have missed school on some days because my heart ached so bad I couldn't even bare school
I cry really hard... and probably really ugly
I care about everything way too much
And if things don't go exactly my way, I get frustrated and angry
And sometimes I say awful mean things that I don't even mean
It just really sucks when your life was so perfect at one point
And then all of the sudden that changes... drastically
It makes you lose hope in everything
Nothing feels right anymore
Don't get me wrong
I am super happy to be back in school so I can see all my friends
But god... I did not miss the bullshit I have to put up with
And its only the first week of school and I'm already excited to just snatch my diploma and run the fuck away from here
The thing that sucks really bad is seeing all the relationships around me
Seeing how happy everyone is
And them saying how perfect their relationship is
In my mind, I know their relationship wouldn't even dare to compare itself to my past relationship
Not to be braggadocios... but we were one rockin' couple
It just kind of sucks to say we were...
They always say "if you love something, set it free and if it don't come back, it wasn't meant to be"
But what if it doesn't come back
What if nothing goes back to normal
That will literally kill me
Lately I have been feeling like I've been dancing around my own tombstone
Just waiting to fall six feet under
I've realized that shower time is really good thinking time
And in the shower I realized...
This break that he needs... might also be for me
I actually think I need to figure things out too
I really need to learn to have my own opinion
I mean everyone knows I say exactly what I think
But when I'm in a relationship... I keep quiet and hold back a lot
Just because I am so afraid of saying the wrong thing
And usually when I do say something, I say something really dumb and then fuck it up even worse
I think what I really need to do, is learn to really love myself
Like all of myself
Even my disgusting looks :P
Its just kind of hard to love yourself... when you feel like you've given all your love to someone else
But I'm determined to grow as an individual
Be more calm but also passionate
I need to balance more
I'm a very extreme person, but I need to learn to keep my emotions in check
Hey maybe thats why my mum gave up all her human emotions :P
But I want my emotions
I still want to love and be loved
I still want my emotions
Whether good or bad
But I also need to realize that things are not always bad
I need to learn to take my own advice for once
And to love myself... and have faith in myself more than anything else
I am Alexxandria Rai Gray-Pryor
And starting today... I am going to love myself
and if you feel like your life is crashing down
Start all over for yourself
Do things for you, Don't please others
Keep Calm and Be You
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