But no one said love's not for taking chances

A lot of people don’t see the value in life

There are so many things that we as humans take for granted

Everyone has his or her own issues

And some people can deal with things better

People can base it off of maturity

Some people can base it off of how they were raised

And sometimes, it’s just really about the person

I am definitely not the kind of person to forgive

I am a big grudge-holder

It’s probably partially because I am female

It might also be because I just do not trust people

And I am really good about knowing how things are going to end up before they are done

But I have learned that it’s not really about forgiveness

It’s about the fact that you are learning to get over things

Forgiveness is also about compassion

And sending out love

Life is all about second chances

It really just depends on you and what you are going to do with this second chance

There are so many things to appreciate

And reasons to not to be so angry and full of hate

When someone gives you a second chance

You have to really appreciate things

A lot of things that happen can really suck

And the world can seem really shitty

But if you look at the world with open eyes

You might fall in love with some of the weirdest things or people

That you never thought you could be so in love with

If you mess up with that thing or that person

Make it right, make it better

Take advantage of a second chance

Capture it and make it important

Make everything you do in this life count

You really do only life once

And hey… Fuck it, shit happens 

what i have learned recently...

I know that I am a really difficult person to get along with
Because I have such a strong personality and sometimes its hard to handle

A lot of people don't understand why I usually put myself into a long distance relationship
And honestly, I like the space
I don't like feeling suffocated, I don't like being watched all the time
And I really like my privacy
At the same time though, I do love the affection of someone with me always

In any of these blog posts, I am not trying to diss him
Not at all
He's a great guy, like his normal personality is great
He was a good boyfriend for awhile
And maybe he didn't really mean to break my heart like 50,000x
But he did, and to me thats what makes him an asshole
It just doesn't make sense to me how he could be so in love one month
And then because things don't go his way, he just falls out of love with me

He says he's losing everything, when in reality...
Something, or someone, that should be very important to him and cares a lot about him
He's pushing that person away from him
And maybe its for the better, I honestly do not know

I can't say that I don't love him anymore
But I can't say that I don't dislike him either

I honestly feel like I have to hate him for awhile before I can really be his friend
I get that he wants us to still be close, because above everything else we were best friends
And thats awesome, its just going to be weird now because we were so involved with each other
And now all of that really doesn't seem to matter

I honestly don't know what going through his head
I don't understand what he is doing
And as much as he wants to pretend like he doesn't care
I know he does... either he does or he's really good at pretending when we are hanging out together

It just going to be weird to transition from being girlfriend-boyfriend
To just being friends

I can kind of understand why our relationship is difficult on him
Because he's so used to dating people with really no rules
Or a very small amount of rules
He's used to seeing his girlfriends like all the time

But I feel like his reaction is kind of unfair because I warned him about this
And he saw what it was like when I dated another guy from that area
But he still got involved with me

It just honestly does not make sense

Especially because I know I treated him really well
yes... I am hot-headed and I argue a lot
But I hope he knows that I cared for him more than anything else
And i fought because I was more so fighting for him so that he would understand where I'm coming from
I know that I was a really good girlfriend to him
Because I know that I was way more open with him than any other boyfriend
And I know that I definitely didn't see anyone the way I saw him

I can't say that I'm going to wait for him
Because that would just be stupid
I'm pretty sure he is never going to come back to me
And thats fine because, as cocky as it sounds, its his loss
I was probably the best girlfriend I could be
And I hope he appreciates that

I have to give him credit though too
He was really sweet and we had a lot of fun together
But I can't look at our past with a smile
At least I can't do it right now

Like I said earlier... I have to hate him for awhile to just get over everything and learn to live on
I do want to be friends with him
But thats just too hard to right now
Because I often feel like everything was just bullshit
Or that something else is going on that he just won't tell me

All I really know is that I have to be strong
And keep moving on

I'm really glad I always have my friends by my side <3
They keep me strong

incomplete and all alone

just like i thought
i was just a booty call
i'm always second best
and i never really get what i want
why did i even think he was going to be any different
"i don't want to hurt you anymore" uhm... then why don't we just get back together and be happy like we were
oh yeah... thats right... because you probably never really loved me

i get how people can fall out of love
if the person is too clingy or if they do things that severely irritate you
or if they change
but i am none of that
i just don't understand how i'm never enough
i just don't understand why i'm always the one to get hurt

i seriously don't even think i want to go through day to day things anymore
honestly all week i have been staring at this bottle of mixed pills near my bed
just waiting for the day for me to just swallow them all whole
maybe that day will be sooner than i thought
maybe that kid was right... nothing ever gets better

now i truly don't think i will ever be happy
i was never meant to be happy

i guess its just not my calling

i feel like such an idiot for being so in love with him
i should have known it was all just doing to end
nothing last forever
and i am not meant for happiness

i know now that i will forever be in pain
i guess there's really no reason for anything anymore

everything just sucks.

"i am cursed with these hands, they will never understand"

I know I said I was going to be stronger
And this blog really isn't me complaining
But its just something I want to get off my chest

Today was good day
I mean it was short for me and him
But at least he was cuddly, which was awesome

It just kind of felt like a hit and run
And I know thats not his fault

Today was definitely better than last time we did though
Last time, all I could think about what the fact that he was hurting me emotionally
And that I didn't even understand what I was to him

I guess today I just put in my head that at least he hasn't just put me aside
And is using some other girl to do this with him
But at the same time, it feels a little messed up
I guess just because we didn't really get to hang out which was LAME

I'm hoping next weekend will be better
I'm hoping that each weekend will get better and better
And I hope that with that me and him will get better and better

I just don't want to be "just friends" with him forever
That would suck... soooo bad

I love him and care for him so much
And I know that sometimes I hide it because I feel like its protecting me
But I think in the long run, it hurts me more than anything else

I just miss hearing him say he loves me
I just miss the feeling that everything is going to be okay

I know for right now I just have to deal with things
And I really love that he still kisses me and is a huge dork around me
Even if we aren't still together
It means a lot that he still opens up to me when I'm around him

I just wish things could be different
I wish things would go back to how they were
We were so inseparable
So in love
So ready to take on the world together

I'm just so curious as to what happened...

I guess I just have to hold my ground and hope for the best
Thats really all I can do.

"love's not a competition but I'm winning"

The title really has nothing to do with anything
I just couldn't think of a better one :P

This blog is going to be very short btw

Somethings happen for a reason

I love him very much
But he wants his space
I'm hoping this is for the best
And I know I have to respect how he feels
I also do really believe that this break isn't only for him
But its hard not to miss how we were
I'm just hoping he misses me too

Maybe this is like a do-over
not like i'm going to forget all that we've been through
but maybe a chance to fall in love all over again
to get back what we had
and forget all the bullshit that went on earlier

It just hard not to miss how it was

But I always have to hope for the best

"your thoughts and feelings become a reality. When you focus on the positive anything you wish to manifest will attract more good into your life"

"i destroy everything i touch... even things i love too much"

I know that title seems super depressing
But I just want to get a few things off my chest before I dip into what I really want to get out of this blog post

Earlier today I was super depressed
I even broke down and broke a very huge promise to myself
Which even right now I regret, but I am going to have to live with it
I have a tendency to let my feeling get in the way of everything
I have missed school on some days because my heart ached so bad I couldn't even bare school
I cry really hard... and probably really ugly
I care about everything way too much
And if things don't go exactly my way, I get frustrated and angry
And sometimes I say awful mean things that I don't even mean

It just really sucks when your life was so perfect at one point
And then all of the sudden that changes... drastically
It makes you lose hope in everything
Nothing feels right anymore

Don't get me wrong
I am super happy to be back in school so I can see all my friends
But god... I did not miss the bullshit I have to put up with
And its only the first week of school and I'm already excited to just snatch my diploma and run the fuck away from here

The thing that sucks really bad is seeing all the relationships around me
Seeing how happy everyone is
And them saying how perfect their relationship is

In my mind, I know their relationship wouldn't even dare to compare itself to my past relationship
Not to be braggadocios... but we were one rockin' couple

It just kind of sucks to say we were...
They always say "if you love something, set it free and if it don't come back, it wasn't meant to be"
But what if it doesn't come back
What if nothing goes back to normal
That will literally kill me
Lately I have been feeling like I've been dancing around my own tombstone
Just waiting to fall six feet under

I've realized that shower time is really good thinking time
And in the shower I realized...
This break that he needs... might also be for me
I actually think I need to figure things out too
I really need to learn to have my own opinion
I mean everyone knows I say exactly what I think
But when I'm in a relationship... I keep quiet and hold back a lot
Just because I am so afraid of saying the wrong thing
And usually when I do say something, I say something really dumb and then fuck it up even worse

I think what I really need to do, is learn to really love myself
Like all of myself
Even my disgusting looks :P
Its just kind of hard to love yourself... when you feel like you've given all your love to someone else
But I'm determined to grow as an individual
Be more calm but also passionate
I need to balance more
I'm a very extreme person, but I need to learn to keep my emotions in check

Hey maybe thats why my mum gave up all her human emotions :P

But I want my emotions
I still want to love and be loved
I still want my emotions
Whether good or bad
But I also need to realize that things are not always bad
I need to learn to take my own advice for once
And to love myself... and have faith in myself more than anything else

I am Alexxandria Rai Gray-Pryor
And starting today... I am going to love myself

and if you feel like your life is crashing down
Start all over for yourself
Do things for you, Don't please others

Keep Calm and Be You

"there's so many things that I could say, but i'm sure it would come out all wrong..."

Its really dumb for me to feel this way

Because I know I really don't have to

He broke up with me, right?

So why do I care if it seems like he's flirting with his god-awful ex.

She puts the "her" in "herpes"

I am not a jealous person

I am just a furious protector of things that I believe should be mine

So basically I am jealous

It doesn't really hurt that he's talking to her

It just hurts knowing that apparently they have hung out

And by the way they were talking... obviously she still has feelings for him

And it almost felt like he does for her too...

Which doesn't feel good at all

Its really dumb that she can't just leave him alone

I mean... hasn't she hurt him enough?

I mean I know I wasn't perfect with him

I know that I have hurt him in some sort of ways

But I know I was not a stupid slut that kept cheating at every fucking second

And yet... I still feel like she's better than me somehow

And that totally sucks

I think the thing that hurts the worst is how bipolar me and his relationship seems to be

Yesterday things felt great, we were talking a lot more

Things seemed to be going back to normal, he even wanted to start watching "our" show together again

Which really meant a lot to me, because I missed that a lot.

I don't know... maybe my good morning text just set him off to not talk to me

I just really wasn't feeling good this morning and obviously, I'm still not feeling very good.

Or maybe he's hanging out with her...

I'm not sure what to think

I'm not sure what he really want to do

Or what this break means

It sometimes makes me feel like he's going to get back with her

Or maybe just do things with her

Because me and him are not together

Even though... I still want to be there for him the way I was

I mean I know that since we're on a break or whatever that it won't be exactly the same

I mean I doubt we'll say we love each other anymore

But what else does it mean?

No snuggles? No kisses? NO SEXX?! lol Just saying...

I'm just really not sure where my place is...

I mean I guess I should feel special that he still has our picture up on his profile...

But he did the same thing with her...

I just hope I'm not another Her

I want to be his again... it fucking sucks feeling like this

Having my thoughts and feelings just go up and down

Because I have no idea what he's thinking

And I am trying so hard to respect the time he wants away from me or us... or whatever he wants

Its just so hard...

I just hope I don't get forgotten... or replaced... or made to feel stupid in the end

I am just so afraid...

I have no clever title for this one

This is all probably going to be gibberish and not make much sense
But here I go...

I fucked up
I am fucked up
There's not much I can really do about whats going on in my life
And I am not too sure why I have a tendency to make bad things worse
I often times just don't know what to say and then I don't say enough which can make people angry or upset with me
Which I don't like at all

I get that I'm not perfect
And I know that neither was he
But it was just so hard being me and him without really being me and him
When someone that you love is in pain and their pissed and upset and there is really nothing you can do
What do you say?
I said that things get worse before they get better
What I wanted to say was that I love him and that no matter what I am here
But how was I supposed to say that? I didn't want to be pushed away anymore
Or to put him in an awkward situation
Its just so hard to know what I am or who I am to him anymore
I want to be the one there for him always
But I don't even know what he wants
And it causes me to say stupid shit that I really don't mean but I think about for a second and I just get more and more negative every moment I don't know whats going on

Just nothing has gone right
And I fucking hate it
I just want me and him happy again...

Maybe I should just realize that his happiness probably doesn't have me in it
I just feel so shitty for ruining everything...

Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly

Life always has to really suck before it gets better
But doesn't that just suck?
I wish things were different
I wish I was different sometimes
I have this awful defense mechanism where I am just a complete bitch to people because I'm not sure how to deal with my own emotions
Sometimes it makes me totally forget who I am, or what I really want

I realize now that me acting that way doesn't do anything except damage me and the ones I love the most
Because I take it out on them the most
And the last thing I ever want to do is hurt those people

I hate when I get that way
I wish that I didn't have to be that way

I have hurt so many people being that way... especially myself

I can't accept things if they aren't exactly the way I want them to be
And I always wonder why my heart keeps breaking
Maybe because I just always set myself for failure
Maybe its because I expect too much
Maybe because I can never really see whats wrong with me
Even though I know there is something that is really wrong with me

I've been in love about 3 times... and most of those times I'm pretty sure I wasn't really in love
But this last time... I know for sure I will never feel the way I did, or maybe I should say do
But in reality I can't blame anybody but myself

My heart is in so much pain and its all my own fault
And I can't fix it, which makes me feel so much worse

If you love something, set it free
Thats what they always say
But they never tell you how much it fucking hurts to see that person go
Especially if you're the person that drove them away
And the thing that sucks worse... is that you are not sure if they will ever come back

I was so in love... so ready to get married to this person and be with them forever
But I fucked it up... and what I have to do is let him live on
But it sucks so bad because I know that I will never be the same
Because he's always going to have my heart... he's always going to be holding onto it, even when he doesn't remember me
I know that forever I will always remember this moment and the other moments that me and him have shared

I guess I should have been better and stronger for him
I wish I could have been perfect for him
I'm just so stupid for even thinking for a second that I was good enough for him

Maybe I took him for granted... thinking that he could really put up with my shit and fight for me
I am just so stupid for all that I did to make him feel bad
He's such an amazing person and I fucked it all up

But I guess there is nothing really left to do then to let him go
and even though it pains me to the very core of my body
At least I got to be with him and feel what love was like
And even though he won't really know... He will always have my heart

So I guess I have to thank him... for loving me when he did
And for putting up with my shit for as long as he did

I love you.

Its been awhile...

So I know its been over a year since I have posted on here
That seems like a long time doesn't it
A lot has happened
Love has been there and left
But life recently just really hasn't been what I thought it would be like
I was thinking that I was having such a food life
Everything seemed so perfect, I couldn't even believe it
I mean, yeah, of course it was actually 100% perfect
But it was pretty fucking close
By the way, if my grammar or spelling is bad, sorry. This computer doesn't have spell check.
But anyways...
Lately I have been feeling really alone
I haven't even really been able to eat, which for me is a HUGE deal
And when I force myself to eat, I end up throwing it up
Not good.
It happened really just recently, when things that were falling apart got worse
A lot of bullshit has been going on in my life...
And I figured what better way to deal with it
Than share my personal story with the world wide web
Of course, not like anyone really reads my blog anyways :P

People in this world will always let you down
But for some reason we have this crazy idea in our heads that some people will be there for you no matter what
Like your best friends, or your relatives, or the people you are dating
Let me just tell you... its not true
Your best friends can ignore you... and not invite you to things they should know for a fact you want to do
Or not even care about the fact that its your birthday
Same with your family, they can completely forget about you... or treat you like an absolute child

The worst feeling of all though is not even being ignored or being forgotten
Its feeling like you are not good enough
There was one person that, even though we really didn't know each other as long as I've known my family or my best friends, made me feel so fit in this world
This person made me feel absolutely happy
But there's always a catch... now I feel lonely than ever
That person can tell you something that absolutely rips your heart apart
I know its not this person's fault, and I know its not really mine either
But it just sucks...
I guess maybe thats the real reason why I haven't been able to eat, or really think
I know that this person just feels this way, and I can't stop feelings
But the hardest part about that, is that I can't even stop my own feelings about it
I just keep wishing, hoping, and praying that things will get better
Yes... I said praying

Lately my feelings of emptyness have just led me to really not be motivated for anything
Not to wake up, not to get ready, not to do anything
I just feel like I'm not worth much and no matter what, I will never be good enough
I can't blame anyone for my emptyness but myself
I just wish things were different
I wish that things were the way they were when I was just so happy
I didn't care if people made fun of me, or were rude to me, or even if my family didn't care
All I cared about was that one special person did
Because I felt like I finally saw what love was like

I'm not saying I'm giving up, or rolling over
I'm just saying its so hard to accept whats going on
And feeling like its all my fault
I had waited so long to be that happy
And all the sudden it got snatched from under me
I just don't understand why it feels like I'm the only one who really cares anymore
About anything... about everything

I just wish someone would be there for me...
To hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay

I understand how this person is feeling though
The things we have to go through are just so unfair
But I know that things can get better
I just wish they would get better faster

Nothing really feels the same anything anymore without this person...
I miss talking to this person 24/7 and I miss our stupid little jokes
Things just don't feel complete anymore
I feel the tighter I grip, the more I get pushed away
And the more I let go, the more I get ripped apart within myself

I just feel like sometimes that person forgets about me, when all I think about is that special person

I feel like we're just stuck in a crappy situation
And it seems like we will never get out

I'm just really hoping we will get out of this...

I just want everything to be better
Because this person is so special to me
He's my best friend... the person I care about more than anything else in this whole world
And I just hope he feels the same
I want to feel like he feels that way for me again

I mean we're not perfect... but I know he's perfect for me
and I just hope he sees that I'm trying to be perfect for him

Minds are Lost {This is a really old blog}

This is actually an old blog, that I decided to post because I feel like its helpful-ish :P and I'm not too sure whats up with my voice, but one things that I said in here made me want to put this up.

When I said that when people don't talk to me or when people make me wait.. I always look at the negative and thats very true. I have always been my own worst enemy. So yeah :P Sorry that the audio is off. Try to enjoy it anyways. By the way, this is a year old... so Don't Judge Me! :P

soo pretty much i just needed to get my feelings off my chest
and im a big chicken-shitt
so its hard for me to tell him this to his face...