I Won't Say I'm In Love

The reason why I don’t let myself love

There are many reasons

Mostly because I find love absolutely horrideous

And I think that its so stupid

I’ve seemed to fall in love with a lot of people who never seemed to love me back

Yes holding hands and kissing and maybe even having sex seems like true affection

But really its just a way to feel accepted and get some sort of love that fills an emptiness in your soul

I know that I’ve loved people before

But every time I fall in love

I get torn apart

I fell in love with a boy once

I was in 7^th grade,

And I felt like he was the most perfect guy in the world

But to my surprise he was hiding things from me

I should have seen it coming, especially to the fact that people were saying that he was cheating on me behind my back

But me being so “in love”, I didn’t listen

I loved the affection and I felt like we were so in love that I couldn’t believe what they said

I should have known though, he was acting different…

But guess when I did find out that he was…

My 13^th birthday…great birthday present, right?

We obviously broke up that night

And it absolutely tore me apart.

I cried for so many months.

And I guess to feed his ego, I got over him probably mid 8^th grade

Another boy I truly fell in love with,

He was the quarterback of the football team

And he was such a piece of heaven

Him and I only went out for a couple months

But I knew he was so special

His only issue was that he cared too much about what others thought

And didn’t ever want to talk to me about his feelings…

And that’s pretty much the reason why we broke up

The first time we broke up, I broke up with him because I needed something different

After I realized I was a total idiot, I pretty much begged for him back.

It wasn’t exactly the same after that, and I knew it wasn’t going to be

After a while I thought our romance was blossoming

But boy, was I wrong

Apparently he was letting other people run his life…mostly meaning our relationship

And because everyone said he was “so whipped on me” and whatever else

And because he was jealous that I have a lot of guy friends and that I let them pick me up and shitt like that

He dumped me…

I was completely heart broken.

When he broke up with me I cried really hard

I couldn’t cry in front of him

So I ran off to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall

Thank god I have really good friends

Because Violet and Erica climbed under the stall to come talk to me

And by the way, if you guys are reading this, I love you guys a lot for being there for me.

Honestly, I have no idea when I’m going to get over that guy…

I hate him, but at the same time I hope he gets better and learns to not give a fuck

And falling in love became more difficult when it came to falling in love with a female

She wasn’t like anyone I had ever met

And she seemed to have this quiet mystery to her, which as most people know, I am a total sucker for

Her and I had so much in common

And its weird to even think that we’re not together now

I don’t know, I guess…well actually I know, I did a lot of wrong in that relationship

I mean, I’m not going to lie but commitment kind of scared me

It mostly scares me when people tell me they want to marry me

Because I hate marriage and the fact that they’re thinking that far ahead…its kind of scary

And yes in a way it makes me blush because it makes me think that I’m that important…but still

Anyways, her and I really had our entire lives planned out

And I thought our breakup was only going to be temporary

But I'm pretty sure now it’s permanent

I can’t say I’m sad, but nor can I say I’m happy about it

Especially knowing that our whole thing was a lie

I didn’t even know that you were lying to me the whole time

But I guess in a way I did too

But I know that I did love you…

I think it definitely tainted something that could have been a wonderful friendship

Often times it’s hard to look at her

And often times it’s hard for me to talk to her

But I’m getting there… baby steps

This one I don’t understand at all…

I apparently fell in love with someone I didn’t even know

And in doing so, I lost a best friend…

That’s the thing I regret most, just losing him as a friend

He was a great kid and I don’t really know what came over me

To be honest, when I first met him I was like, alright this kid is cute but I don’t want him like that

Then I don’t really know, him and I started to hang out more and he became more than just a friend

I can honestly say I was an idiot for loving you

I think we understood each other, that’s what drew me to you

And the fact that I knew I couldn’t have you, I think that also made me want you more

Sometimes I think about you, and it’s not in a loving way

But neither is it so much in a hateful way

I do regret trying so hard to be with you

Because honestly I think it was a waste of my time

Because I know how we would have ended up

I know I just would have been another girl

But I do regret not having you as a friend

And I regret trying to, I guess…protect you?

I don’t know.

I really wish I just kept my mouth shut

I just regret not being your friend anymore

I honestly just hope your okay

I’ve honestly had a fucked up life

And sometimes its hard for me to think of what love is

And what it can be for me

I think I have a curse against me

And the girl that I loved knows what I’m talking about

I think I have this curse that draws in people

Just so I can hurt them

And I don’t want that

I can’t be that person

So I just don’t love that way anymore

And I probably won’t ever

Ever again…

Lol

Well that was emo

But I don’t know if I ever will love again

I’m mostly just sick of loving…

I guess we’ll just see

See how many heartbreaks it takes to find my knight in shinning armor