Tired of it

I'm really tired of being lied to and i'm tired of people telling me not to do something and then they turn around and do it themselves.

I'm really tired of hypocrits and liars. 

I am changing myself a lot and trying to be a better person but its really hard when everyone around you just sucks. 

I want to be surrounded by good people who are driven and kind and supportive. I am not surrounded by those type of people and its really depressing and discouraging.

I just hate feeling this way and i hate being surrounded by so much negativity because it makes me so negative.

I just hope things turn around for me and that i can change my feelings around and hopefully people around me will be more positive, truthful, and free-spirited like i want to be.

Real eyes realize real lies

You can say i am a liar but i have caught you in lies too. 

I'm tired of being blamed for everything when in reality you r just too big of a piece of shit to admit that you are a terrible person and only care about yourself

I am so tired of this crap

I just wanna move away and never look back

I am just so done.

Second? Never again.

I just want to feel wanted. I want to be put first. I'm tired of always feeling second in the running. I just feel used, unimportant and unloved.

I'm really tired of feeling like this

I dont need it

I dont deserve it 

And its just stupid

Words of Advice/Making a Change

Don't let anyone treat you like shit, no matter what they give you or may offer you... don't let them do that.
Obviously they are low lives who would rather tear you down than deal with their own shit.
I'm not saying I don't have problems and have treated people bad before, I am human and I am 100% responsible for things that I have done.
My problem is with people who take themselves too seriously or people who get so mad over everything.
I have a temper and sometimes I let it control me, but I take blame for things that I do and sometimes I even take responsibility for things I haven't done.
But that's because I am actually a genuinely nice person and I don't like putting people through pain.
If you can't be responsible for your own actions, then you are just a child and need to learn to grow up.
Staying mad at things and constantly holding things over people's heads doesn't make you superior nor does it make you cool or whatever. It actually makes you look very stupid and childish.

I will admit, I am a bit of a liar. There are only probably 2 or so people I don't lie to and that's terrible, I know that. I am actually writing this blog to not only hash out my feelings but also keep myself accountable.
I don't want to lie anymore, I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I want finally live a life I am happy with.
Because its very true what some people say, I am actually very depressed and very unhappy with myself. Even people that I don't know can tell that.
 I was talking to this education adviser today about college and what I want to do next with my life, and he even told me that I sounded really sad and not confident in myself. Hearing that from someone who is a complete stranger really got me thinking.
I am addicting to repeating myself and constantly being in this cycle of pain and depression, and honestly, I am so tired of that crap. I want a fresh new start where I can be happy and learn new things and have new experiences.
So to start the change, I have been applying for jobs, starting my school search, and now what I want to do is try to find more time for myself, my friends, and my needs. I think what I really need is relocation, because all the places that I am at and have been have so much history that I cannot erase and probably will never erase.
I have talked about moving to Chicago with my father and although, it would be exciting to finally get to live with my dad for the first time since I was 5, its scary because I know nothing about Chicago and the people there are crazy. The only things that make me happy about the situation is that my best friend Justin will probably be moving there, my daddy will be there and my little brothers, and Chicago has an amazing goth and gay community.
I'm hoping that until I (might) have to move, that I can grow more confident and stop getting caught into this never ending loop. I know it will be a lot of work and I'm going to have to do it myself because obviously I am not going to get any help from the people I really wish would be there for me, but that's fine.
I am willing to make the change for myself and be there for myself.
I am ready for change, I hope its ready for me.

My last words to him...

The thing that changed my life the most and shaped my identity was my high school sweetheart. He influenced my life more than anyone else in this world. I never felt good enough my whole life. I was always discouraged and shy, even though to others I constantly seemed confident and that I didn’t care what people thought. He always saw right through that part of me.

We met in the beginning of my senior year and once I saw him, I knew my life would never be the same. As soon as our eyes met, he had me. He was a perfect gentleman, always there to protect me and always there for me when I needed him most. When I was on the edge, praying to God to take me away from everything, God would send me an angel, and it was him, the man I knew I would love forever. He helped me keep my grades up, which wasn’t too important to me at the time, but he saw potential in me and knew that I was more than I thought of myself. Anytime I felt down on my art, he was always there to pick me up and inspire me.

I was always nervous to put myself out there, especially when it came to singing. He was the only one I was okay to sing in front of other than the four walls surrounding me in my room and the big crowds I made up in my head. I wanted to be a part of the talent show at my school since I was a Freshman, but I was too afraid of opening myself to so many people. Despite my fighting him and being stubborn, he constantly pushed me to let go and to finally open my voice and my heart to other people through music. The morning of the talent show, I woke up crying because of a terrible dream I was having. He automatically wrapped his arms around me and told me that I can do whatever I set my mind too and that I will not fail as much as I fear that I will. He also reminded me that no matter happens he will be there for me and he will be proud of me through it all. Later that night, I did the talent show and I succeeded. Once I looked into his beautiful blue eyes before opening my mouth to sing, I was able to let go and do what I set out to do. The audience applauded and people shouted, and I knew that I had nothing more to be afraid of. It was all thanks to him.

He was in my life for a year and that was enough to change my entire perspective on the world. He opened me up to a whole new world where I had nothing to be afraid of. He showed me true love and true kindness that only people in their most pure dreams could ever imagine. I began proud of myself, more confident, and more full of self-worth because of him.

He may not know it, but he influenced me for the rest of my life and I am eternally grateful for that. I hope one day he can be back in my life, so I can do the same for him.

To be honest...

My boyfriend brought a lot of things to my attention and i realized... I am really really depressed and I dont know what to do about it. I feel like i can't talk to anyone because I dont feel like they care or they'll tell me something I dont want to hear or that i'll be bumming them out or something. I'm just really afraid to be open with anyone and to actually confide in people. I'm never too sure how to talk to people anymore, which is really sad because I used to be really happy and pretty open with people. I didnt lie as much as i do now, and i felt like i had people to really confide in and now I lost them. 

I've been realizing more and more that I really miss high school and that I wish i could do it over again so I could do better and be more appreciative of the time i spent there and people i spent it with. 

I just feel really lost and alone and I'm not really sure what to do about it.

I just feel really depressed and I dont feel like i'm ever going to be happy again.

I just feel like i'm going to keep spiraling down into depression and continue to mistreat myself and the people around me.

I don't know where to go for help

I don't know what to say or what to do anymore.

Lol ooooh bitch, i'm not as stupid as you think

You must think i'm really dumb

You think that i dont know?

Psh...

You can yell at me all you want about me doin this and me doin that

But you are doing the exact same thing and probably even worse

You just think you are better at hiding it, but you arent

I know that you think you are clever, but you're not. I know you think you are smarter than me but you're not.

Now it all makes sense as to why you keep taking me back or keep chasing me... Because you know you are wrong, obviously, but you are just too damn stupid to really and actually change anything.

God i wish i could be as ignorant as you, thinkin i'm always right and such bullshit.

But i cant because unlike you, I actually have a conscience.