Don't let anyone treat you like shit, no matter what they give you or may offer you... don't let them do that.
Obviously they are low lives who would rather tear you down than deal with their own shit.
I'm
not saying I don't have problems and have treated people bad before, I
am human and I am 100% responsible for things that I have done.
My problem is with people who take themselves too seriously or people who get so mad over everything.
I
have a temper and sometimes I let it control me, but I take blame for
things that I do and sometimes I even take responsibility for things I
haven't done.
But that's because I am actually a genuinely nice person and I don't like putting people through pain.
If you can't be responsible for your own actions, then you are just a child and need to learn to grow up.
Staying
mad at things and constantly holding things over people's heads doesn't
make you superior nor does it make you cool or whatever. It actually
makes you look very stupid and childish.
I will admit, I
am a bit of a liar. There are only probably 2 or so people I don't lie
to and that's terrible, I know that. I am actually writing this blog to
not only hash out my feelings but also keep myself accountable.
I don't want to lie anymore, I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I want finally live a life I am happy with.
Because
its very true what some people say, I am actually very depressed and
very unhappy with myself. Even people that I don't know can tell that.
I
was talking to this education adviser today about college and what I
want to do next with my life, and he even told me that I sounded really
sad and not confident in myself. Hearing that from someone who is a
complete stranger really got me thinking.
I am addicting to
repeating myself and constantly being in this cycle of pain and
depression, and honestly, I am so tired of that crap. I want a fresh new
start where I can be happy and learn new things and have new
experiences.
So to start the change, I have been applying for
jobs, starting my school search, and now what I want to do is try to
find more time for myself, my friends, and my needs. I think what I
really need is relocation, because all the places that I am at and have
been have so much history that I cannot erase and probably will never
erase.
I have talked about moving to Chicago with my father and
although, it would be exciting to finally get to live with my dad for
the first time since I was 5, its scary because I know nothing about
Chicago and the people there are crazy. The only things that make me
happy about the situation is that my best friend Justin will probably be
moving there, my daddy will be there and my little brothers, and
Chicago has an amazing goth and gay community.
I'm hoping that
until I (might) have to move, that I can grow more confident and stop
getting caught into this never ending loop. I know it will be a lot of
work and I'm going to have to do it myself because obviously I am not
going to get any help from the people I really wish would be there for
me, but that's fine.
I am willing to make the change for myself and be there for myself.
I am ready for change, I hope its ready for me.
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