Interruptions

There is nothing i hate worse than someone interrupting me.

I will literally drop my story or what i was saying if you interrupt me...

Even if you ask "oh sorry what did you say?" Or something like that.

I seriously cannot stand it. 

I hate it

Don't interrupt me because i will hate you

No life line

You wonder all the time "what am i here for?" "What am i doing?" "What does it all mean?"

But i ask the "why" questions...

Why am i here? Why do i exist? Why cant i kill myself? Why was i created?

If there is a god... I would ask him/her/it all those questions... And wonder what is its purpose for making me this way.

I am a severely flawed human being... I barely feel human sometimes, i feel more like a creature... A monster.

I get these thoughts put into my head and it becomes hard to differ between reality and fantasy.

I dont even know who i am anymore.

I dont know why i lash out.

I dont know why i still exist.

I dont know why my self torture hasnt taught me my own lesson.

Maybe i am crazy, maybe i should be locked away, maybe everything is all my fault.

I'm just so full of heartache, dissappointment, regret, and self-angst.

I dont see the point in being me anymore.

I dont see the point in trying.

I dont see the point in voicing my opinions.

I dont see the point in anything.

I feel like i should be locked away

Put in a room where i can't hurt anyone anymore, not even myself.

I'm a danger to anyone who comes in contact with me.

I need a place. I need a cell.

 

I need a new self.

That Ex that always texts

I talked to a vast majority of my exs through text message and try to hang out with them as much as i can.

But... When an ex texts your at 12am or later... I feel like thats fishy.

I text my ex that late if i'm depressed or crying or need to get out of somewhere but i would not trust one just texting for no reason.

I know i shpuldn't care and i shouldn't be jealous but i can't help it.

I have to just continue to tell myself that if someone would do that to me then they're the idiot, not me. 

I just pray that everything thats going on is harmless... Because i would hate for my bad feeling about this to be right.

I think the worst part about whats going on is that she texted him in the middle of us being intimate... Which totally threw me off.

And then later he is like guarding his phone by taking it into the bathroom with him and every where else.

I'm just hoping my fear isn't or doesnt become a reality... I'm not ready for that.

How the prince turned into a frog

You would think you would know a person after 2 years right?

Well living with someone is a whole other life.

I thought i was ready for this... To be fully committed and to be fully ready to live with him but I was wrong.

I kept mentally abused by him, physically abused by his mom and even more recently... By him.

We used to be really great together and nothing ever seemed like it would go wrong.

He's so quick to blame me for everything and say that i'm the bitch and that i'm selfish.

He's never flat out called me a bitch till yesterday and i punched him in the face so hard.

I thought i would do that and it would teach him a lesson but no... He decided to hit me back so i just kept hitting him till our friends broke us up.

The funny part is that he was thinking all his friends were on his side... But no theu agreed with me more than him, which felt good... It left me know i wasn't crazy.

We've been fighting for at least 19 hours and honestly its annoying.

He constantly wants me to change but what he doesn't realize is that he's the one who needs to change now... We'll see what happens but I expect the worst.

Suicide Prevention Day

But no one said love's not for taking chances

A lot of people don’t see the value in life

There are so many things that we as humans take for granted

Everyone has his or her own issues

And some people can deal with things better

People can base it off of maturity

Some people can base it off of how they were raised

And sometimes, it’s just really about the person

I am definitely not the kind of person to forgive

I am a big grudge-holder

It’s probably partially because I am female

It might also be because I just do not trust people

And I am really good about knowing how things are going to end up before they are done

But I have learned that it’s not really about forgiveness

It’s about the fact that you are learning to get over things

Forgiveness is also about compassion

And sending out love

Life is all about second chances

It really just depends on you and what you are going to do with this second chance

There are so many things to appreciate

And reasons to not to be so angry and full of hate

When someone gives you a second chance

You have to really appreciate things

A lot of things that happen can really suck

And the world can seem really shitty

But if you look at the world with open eyes

You might fall in love with some of the weirdest things or people

That you never thought you could be so in love with

If you mess up with that thing or that person

Make it right, make it better

Take advantage of a second chance

Capture it and make it important

Make everything you do in this life count

You really do only life once

And hey… Fuck it, shit happens 

what i have learned recently...

I know that I am a really difficult person to get along with
Because I have such a strong personality and sometimes its hard to handle

A lot of people don't understand why I usually put myself into a long distance relationship
And honestly, I like the space
I don't like feeling suffocated, I don't like being watched all the time
And I really like my privacy
At the same time though, I do love the affection of someone with me always

In any of these blog posts, I am not trying to diss him
Not at all
He's a great guy, like his normal personality is great
He was a good boyfriend for awhile
And maybe he didn't really mean to break my heart like 50,000x
But he did, and to me thats what makes him an asshole
It just doesn't make sense to me how he could be so in love one month
And then because things don't go his way, he just falls out of love with me

He says he's losing everything, when in reality...
Something, or someone, that should be very important to him and cares a lot about him
He's pushing that person away from him
And maybe its for the better, I honestly do not know

I can't say that I don't love him anymore
But I can't say that I don't dislike him either

I honestly feel like I have to hate him for awhile before I can really be his friend
I get that he wants us to still be close, because above everything else we were best friends
And thats awesome, its just going to be weird now because we were so involved with each other
And now all of that really doesn't seem to matter

I honestly don't know what going through his head
I don't understand what he is doing
And as much as he wants to pretend like he doesn't care
I know he does... either he does or he's really good at pretending when we are hanging out together

It just going to be weird to transition from being girlfriend-boyfriend
To just being friends

I can kind of understand why our relationship is difficult on him
Because he's so used to dating people with really no rules
Or a very small amount of rules
He's used to seeing his girlfriends like all the time

But I feel like his reaction is kind of unfair because I warned him about this
And he saw what it was like when I dated another guy from that area
But he still got involved with me

It just honestly does not make sense

Especially because I know I treated him really well
yes... I am hot-headed and I argue a lot
But I hope he knows that I cared for him more than anything else
And i fought because I was more so fighting for him so that he would understand where I'm coming from
I know that I was a really good girlfriend to him
Because I know that I was way more open with him than any other boyfriend
And I know that I definitely didn't see anyone the way I saw him

I can't say that I'm going to wait for him
Because that would just be stupid
I'm pretty sure he is never going to come back to me
And thats fine because, as cocky as it sounds, its his loss
I was probably the best girlfriend I could be
And I hope he appreciates that

I have to give him credit though too
He was really sweet and we had a lot of fun together
But I can't look at our past with a smile
At least I can't do it right now

Like I said earlier... I have to hate him for awhile to just get over everything and learn to live on
I do want to be friends with him
But thats just too hard to right now
Because I often feel like everything was just bullshit
Or that something else is going on that he just won't tell me

All I really know is that I have to be strong
And keep moving on

I'm really glad I always have my friends by my side <3
They keep me strong