Dear Mr. Secrecy

The worst part about all of this is that

It seems like nothing wants us to be together

I don’t even think you really want us together

I don’t really know…

I really like you

And there’s just something about you that makes me go crazy

I just really really like you

And I kind of feel like crying right now because we can’t be

I really wish that I could tell you how I feel

Believe me I want to

I really want to

But I know that if I tell you that our friendship would be different

And I don’t want to be the person that fucks with your girlfriend

And like you just texted me “its kind of weird since I have a gf”

UGH! I hate hearing about her

It makes me feel like shit

But I can’t really help my feelings for you

Especially the fact that you couldn’t stay over tonight makes me sad

I know its find of a bad idea to have you stay anyways…

But still…

I really want you for myself

Ugh and I hate myself for saying so

But its so true

I don’t really know what to do….

To ______; From Alex

You’re probably never going to read this

I guess I’m only typing this for therapeutic reasons

Its very interesting to think that it was supposed to be our 1 yr anniversary

A couple days ago that is

This might be the last blog I ever write for you

Well more about you than anything else

I’ve missed a lot of school, as you know

And I act a certain way around you because I don’t want to seem like I miss you

I know that I try to act all tough

But I really am weak without you

This isn’t a blog to tell you to come back to me

Its just a way for me to get my feelings out

Without having to write in my god-awful diary

Sometimes its easier to type it all out

While listening to music that kind of makes you want to tear up

You know how I am…

That’s another thing

Crying…

It seems to have gotten worse each day

The guy that I’ve been trying to see is kind of making me feel better

But I still know I am going to shoot right back once I see you on Monday

It seems bloody ridiculous to cry over something that has ending because of my doing

I mean… I think we both knew this day would come

We should have prayed that it wouldn’t

It seems like me and you lie about a lot of things to each other
To your face I’d tell you that I missed the 17^th because of me being sick

But if you reached into my cold heart you would know it was a lie

The 17^th would have been our one year

Kind of makes me tear up to hear it, well type it

I guess even after all that is said and done, I will never really…

Stop loving you

In any sort of way

I will always need you

Oh god…I’m beginning to cry now

I remember you used to tell me that people who shun away their feeling are the weak ones

But I always feel weak when I cry

Especially about you

Mostly because I know that I was the wicked one in our relationship

I know that I was the one who started the fights

And if I didn’t start them I made then accelerate

I never meant to be like that to you

I told you love is a curse for me

I don’t really think I am allowed to love anyone truly

There is so much that I never really pour out to anyone

Like…

I don’t like making plans about the future with people because I know they will be ruined

I don’t like holding hands in public because I feel like everyone is staring

I actually don’t like being alone…ever

And I especially hate crying and talking about my feelings

And when I do talk about them

I usually spit lies because I don’t know how to express myself

It’s pretty hard living without you now

But I’m trying to be strong

For the both of us

I don’t like it…

But I know we need this time apart

And if we do get back together

We need not think about our past

I don’t really want to say this

But…

I love you, with all my heart

And I wouldn’t be crying like a baby if I was lying

I do love you

I’m pretty sure I always have

And I know I always will

I’m just sorry that I’ve cause you so much pain

And that I am wicked…

I love you

And I hope you never forget me

All my love, always and forever

- “Kat”

Saturday?

So…. on Saturday I have a smoking hott “date” with this guy I met at the mall

To be honest, I’m pretty nervous

Me and him really connect over text messages

But what if we don’t connect in person?

He's practically my dream guy

I mean the only things he’s really missing are

Blue eyes, snakebites, and black hair

But I’ve seen the shape of his eyes

Which are perfect enough

And he still has that emo hair

Which is always amazingly sexy

And he has the most beautiful body ever

Its kind of like if Taylor Lautner went emo hahahaa

And thank god he’s taller than me

Because from a distance he seemed pretty short

Lets hope he didn’t lie about his height 

I’m pretty scared though

Like what if I’m not what he expected

What if he doesn’t like curvy girls?

I mean I think he would have seen that when we were at the mall

But still…

I don’t really know

He just makes me so frightened

I really don’t know what to wear either

I mean I want to show him a little philanthropy

But not enough to go to Club Skank

RAWR! I’m just freaking out

I hope he does like me

Because if not then I’m really just going to give up

All together

I mean no one really seems to like me

It kind of sucks…

Okay that an understatement

It REALLY sucks

I guess there really isn’t any more room for a “scene girl” like me anymore…

-sigh-

Well all of you whom are reading this

I hope you are wishing me luck

Because I sure as hell need it

....

Reading over all of this I kind of wonder

What do I have to offer him?

I mean…he’s perfect

But what am I?

I’m just some ugly Brit who traveled to America to fit in..

Just some emo girl who hangs around people who don’t really care

That she talks funny and sometimes can’t find the words to say

Oh boy… now I am really nervous

Why does he have to be so bloody sexy?!

UUUUGGGH!!!

Well I guess we have to just wish for the best…

I’ll keep you guys posted…

Until my next blog

<3 Kat

Missing you?

I’m going to be honest

I have been kind of missing you

The intense connection we had

But I don’t really know how much I miss it

I mean I do sometimes wait by my phone to see if you’ll text me

Or when you’re on aim, I wait for you

I’m not too sure what all of that means

But I think we might be okay

I definitely like not having to worry about yo so much

But I also miss having to worry

I don’t really know…

Its so confusing

I just want you to know that I do miss you

And you do still mean the world to me

:)

Lovers love, Liars lie

The way I've been feeling lately is most describable like…death

Ive been feeling like im better off dead

And I really wish that people could just understand

I mean I've had people back-stab me

I've had someone who I thought I was kind of cool with

Totally lie and get me a Saturday detention

Which he has no idea how much its going to fuck up my life

I just don’t really know what to do

Also one of these guys that I really like 

I guess is just pretending to like me

I don’t really know…

He apparently blocked me on aim

And… he has no idea how much that hurts

I don’t know what he’s doing behind my back

But all that he does hurts…

Just everything that has been going on sucks

I left my most perfect girlfriend

For reasons I’m not even sure about

I thought I needed space

But when I feel like I need space

I actually need her more than anything in the world

Shes so beautiful and I don’t know why I did what I did…

I seriously want to kill myself

And im super serious this time

I just wish I really had it in me to follow through

If I wasn’t such a chicken I would actually do it and I wouldn’t just cut

I’m not posting this for sympathy

I’m posting this because this is my blog

Where I get to say how I feel

So I hope you can leave all your bad comments inside

….

Single

yes i am single... so stop asking
goodbye

To my best friends, to my secret crush, to my family...love you guys

I don't wanna make a scene. I don't wanna let you down
Tryin' to do my own thing, and I'm starting to figure it out
That it's alright keep it together where ever we go
And it's alright oh well whatever
Everybody needs to know

You might be crazy
Have I told you lately
That I love you
You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly

And it's crazy
That someone could change me
Now no matter what it is I have to do
I'm not afraid to try
And you need to know that you're the reason, why

I don't even care when they say when you're a little bit off
Look em in the eye I'd say I could never get enough
Cuz it's alright keep it together where ever we go
And it's alright oh well whatever
Everybody needs to know

You might be crazy
Have I told you lately
That I love you
You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly

And it's crazy
That someone could change me
Now no matter what it is I have to do
I'm not afraid to try
And you need to know that you're the reason, why

If it was rainin' you would yell at the sun
Pick up the pieces when the damage is done
You say it's just another day in the shade
Look at what a mess we made

You might be crazy
Have I told you lately
That I love you
You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly

And it's crazy
That someone could change me
Now no matter what it is I have to do
I'm not afraid to try

You might be crazy
Have I told you lately
That I love you
You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly

And it's crazy
That someone could change me
Now no matter what it is I have to do
I'm not afraid to try
And you need to know that you're the reason why


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPG9ZFNHFqE


{i do not own any of the rights to this song, just restating lyrics}

Just Being Friends with Someone You May Love

It’s pretty hard to just be your friend

I mean I know that I really like you

But I guess you’re not sure how you feel about me

I mean I wish we are able to accept the fact

That we are supposed to be something awesome

And I wish you would at least make an effort to hang out with me

I know that if we do, people might start to talk

But in reality… I don’t care what others think

I really never have

I’m not too sure why you care so much

I’m not saying I don’t want to be your friend

Of course I do

I’m just saying that it’s so hard

I see your face and I get butterflies everywhere

You always say how ugly you are

But in reality…

You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen

Haha… seems a bit to far

But you are a very handsome gentleman

And when I see you

I can’t help but to feel like I a little kid

With a little school girl crush

I’m never too sure what to say to you

I mean I just wish we could hang out more

So then I would know that I can be comfortable with you

I’m super comfortable with you on video-chat

But when I’m face to face with you

I get scared

I get tongue-tied

And sometimes I don’t know what to say…

I don’t really know really…

I guess friends is fine for now

But I really hope we grow to be something more

<3