Christmas List?

Dear Santa,
What I want for Christmas the most is him.
You know who he is...
I just want him for myself because
I will never admit it because I don't believe in love,
but I definitely really like him.
Thank You and Happy Holidays

I Just Can't Breathe

I don’t really understand why I like you so much

There is just something about you

Maybe its your eyes, the way they sparkle and how even when you wear eyeliner they seem so deep and mysterious

Maybe it’s the way you speak, your voice seems so soft and it just floats on the air like a feather on a breezy day

Maybe it’s your touch, when you hug me I feel a great warmth or when our hands touch sometimes I feel sparks

Maybe it’s the way you care, even though you and I haven’t known each other for a long time, I can sense that there is some kind of strong bond between us

Even though for you it’s probably just a bond of friendship

I don’t really know…

Sometimes I feel like you give me these signals that you want to be with me

But then somehow she falls back into my mind so I try to push you away

When I was at your house yesterday I kept on scooting away and hiding in the corner because I wanted to kiss you, I wanted to hold your hand, I wanted you so bad

But I knew you had her

And I know that your so hung up on her that I’m really just one of those lame ole’ best friends that crushes on you and seems to be a huge dork

I don’t really know, I honestly have no idea how you think of me

Because our friend doesn’t tell me anything

And I don’t hang around your other friends

All I really know is that they’ve said that I’m a better choice for you

Which, no offense to her, I think I am

I mean… I’ve heard about how shitty she treats you

I heard that she hits you, whines all the time, is mean to your friends, does and says things behind your back, and ridicules you for really little things

Its ridiculous, if you ask me

And I know that if your reading this your probably thinking I’m jealous or whatever

But in reality, I kind of am but I wouldn’t let that effect our friendship

Like I’ve told oh so many people, I respect you and love you {I’m saying love as a friend} so I respect you and her’s relationship

It just kind of sucks to know that she cuddles with you, and kisses you, and does all those little couple things with you

I don’t even know really why I have feelings for you

Its really weird, when I first met you, I definitely thought you were cute

But then later I began to hate you because I found out about her

Then you and I became best friends

And then I don’t really know… my feeling just began to grow for you

It’s fucking weird…

But believe me dude, I try really hard to push my feeling away for you

I think yesterday I did a good job

Well until we went to you house and shared a blanket

It was a bit harder that way, because that was actually a really romantic moment

Well I guess…

I don’t really know

I guess I really shouldn’t make a big deal out of all of this

This post seems a bit pointless actually

Because I mean no matter what I’m going to like you

But I’m just going to be that dorky best friend that has a crush

But in reality, I’m going to be here for you no matter what

Mostly as a friend

I don’t really know about us dating anymore

Seems kind of weird when I actually think about it

I mean when you say that I’m beautiful or something

I usually smile, but I also begin to cry

Because even though you say it

I feel like its untrue

I mean maybe I am beautiful, but apparently not as beautiful as her

UGH! I hate that I just said that

Makes me sound like a loser

Well I guess I kind of am one

Haha. I mean what dork would seriously write down exactly how they feel like this

Most people would just say it by now

But I guess I really am not like most people

BLEH! Haha

Anyways, I’m going to stop typing now

Before I embarrass myself some more xD

Here’s someone who knows how to express feelings better than me { I Just Can’t Breathe by The Perfect Measure }

Being Single

It’s actually not that bad

I mean for a while I thought it was the worse thing in the whole wide world

But in reality its kind of fun

Yes I do have crushes on people

Even though most of them I know I wont actually be with

It’s okay though

I mean I still have great friends that I love with all my heart

And I’m still going to a good school

The school is only good because of my friends though lol

There are some guys that I do have a crush on though

I do have a crush on one of my exs

I have a crush on two of my best friends {btw if you go to my school, you don’t know them}

And I still have a crush on this guy who I know is a total jerk

But I can’t help but to like him still

It’s not that terrible though

I mean, I think having crushes keeps your heart pumping

But it’s still kind of sucks to think that they probably don’t like you back

But it’s okay.

My dreams keep me alive and well

It’s weird though.

I’m actually kind of happier now that I’m single

I mean, yes, I do still think about her

And I still miss her sometimes

I still have a hard time listening to some songs because of her

But in reality, I think I’m going to be okay

I’m not saying like is better without her

But I’m just really hoping that I’m going to be okay

I’m mostly happy with my friends that I have right now

Like Violet, Erica, Angele, Jason, Erik, Andrea, Danii, Chris, Robbie…and I don’t really know who else I missed

I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss anyone

Lol if I did I’d be a terrible friend then hahaha

But I love my friends a lot

And they mean more to me than anything else in the world

So I’m happy with my life right now

:D 

Dear Mr. Secrecy

The worst part about all of this is that

It seems like nothing wants us to be together

I don’t even think you really want us together

I don’t really know…

I really like you

And there’s just something about you that makes me go crazy

I just really really like you

And I kind of feel like crying right now because we can’t be

I really wish that I could tell you how I feel

Believe me I want to

I really want to

But I know that if I tell you that our friendship would be different

And I don’t want to be the person that fucks with your girlfriend

And like you just texted me “its kind of weird since I have a gf”

UGH! I hate hearing about her

It makes me feel like shit

But I can’t really help my feelings for you

Especially the fact that you couldn’t stay over tonight makes me sad

I know its find of a bad idea to have you stay anyways…

But still…

I really want you for myself

Ugh and I hate myself for saying so

But its so true

I don’t really know what to do….

To ______; From Alex

You’re probably never going to read this

I guess I’m only typing this for therapeutic reasons

Its very interesting to think that it was supposed to be our 1 yr anniversary

A couple days ago that is

This might be the last blog I ever write for you

Well more about you than anything else

I’ve missed a lot of school, as you know

And I act a certain way around you because I don’t want to seem like I miss you

I know that I try to act all tough

But I really am weak without you

This isn’t a blog to tell you to come back to me

Its just a way for me to get my feelings out

Without having to write in my god-awful diary

Sometimes its easier to type it all out

While listening to music that kind of makes you want to tear up

You know how I am…

That’s another thing

Crying…

It seems to have gotten worse each day

The guy that I’ve been trying to see is kind of making me feel better

But I still know I am going to shoot right back once I see you on Monday

It seems bloody ridiculous to cry over something that has ending because of my doing

I mean… I think we both knew this day would come

We should have prayed that it wouldn’t

It seems like me and you lie about a lot of things to each other
To your face I’d tell you that I missed the 17^th because of me being sick

But if you reached into my cold heart you would know it was a lie

The 17^th would have been our one year

Kind of makes me tear up to hear it, well type it

I guess even after all that is said and done, I will never really…

Stop loving you

In any sort of way

I will always need you

Oh god…I’m beginning to cry now

I remember you used to tell me that people who shun away their feeling are the weak ones

But I always feel weak when I cry

Especially about you

Mostly because I know that I was the wicked one in our relationship

I know that I was the one who started the fights

And if I didn’t start them I made then accelerate

I never meant to be like that to you

I told you love is a curse for me

I don’t really think I am allowed to love anyone truly

There is so much that I never really pour out to anyone

Like…

I don’t like making plans about the future with people because I know they will be ruined

I don’t like holding hands in public because I feel like everyone is staring

I actually don’t like being alone…ever

And I especially hate crying and talking about my feelings

And when I do talk about them

I usually spit lies because I don’t know how to express myself

It’s pretty hard living without you now

But I’m trying to be strong

For the both of us

I don’t like it…

But I know we need this time apart

And if we do get back together

We need not think about our past

I don’t really want to say this

But…

I love you, with all my heart

And I wouldn’t be crying like a baby if I was lying

I do love you

I’m pretty sure I always have

And I know I always will

I’m just sorry that I’ve cause you so much pain

And that I am wicked…

I love you

And I hope you never forget me

All my love, always and forever

- “Kat”

Saturday?

So…. on Saturday I have a smoking hott “date” with this guy I met at the mall

To be honest, I’m pretty nervous

Me and him really connect over text messages

But what if we don’t connect in person?

He's practically my dream guy

I mean the only things he’s really missing are

Blue eyes, snakebites, and black hair

But I’ve seen the shape of his eyes

Which are perfect enough

And he still has that emo hair

Which is always amazingly sexy

And he has the most beautiful body ever

Its kind of like if Taylor Lautner went emo hahahaa

And thank god he’s taller than me

Because from a distance he seemed pretty short

Lets hope he didn’t lie about his height 

I’m pretty scared though

Like what if I’m not what he expected

What if he doesn’t like curvy girls?

I mean I think he would have seen that when we were at the mall

But still…

I don’t really know

He just makes me so frightened

I really don’t know what to wear either

I mean I want to show him a little philanthropy

But not enough to go to Club Skank

RAWR! I’m just freaking out

I hope he does like me

Because if not then I’m really just going to give up

All together

I mean no one really seems to like me

It kind of sucks…

Okay that an understatement

It REALLY sucks

I guess there really isn’t any more room for a “scene girl” like me anymore…

-sigh-

Well all of you whom are reading this

I hope you are wishing me luck

Because I sure as hell need it

....

Reading over all of this I kind of wonder

What do I have to offer him?

I mean…he’s perfect

But what am I?

I’m just some ugly Brit who traveled to America to fit in..

Just some emo girl who hangs around people who don’t really care

That she talks funny and sometimes can’t find the words to say

Oh boy… now I am really nervous

Why does he have to be so bloody sexy?!

UUUUGGGH!!!

Well I guess we have to just wish for the best…

I’ll keep you guys posted…

Until my next blog

<3 Kat

Missing you?

I’m going to be honest

I have been kind of missing you

The intense connection we had

But I don’t really know how much I miss it

I mean I do sometimes wait by my phone to see if you’ll text me

Or when you’re on aim, I wait for you

I’m not too sure what all of that means

But I think we might be okay

I definitely like not having to worry about yo so much

But I also miss having to worry

I don’t really know…

Its so confusing

I just want you to know that I do miss you

And you do still mean the world to me

:)

Lovers love, Liars lie

The way I've been feeling lately is most describable like…death

Ive been feeling like im better off dead

And I really wish that people could just understand

I mean I've had people back-stab me

I've had someone who I thought I was kind of cool with

Totally lie and get me a Saturday detention

Which he has no idea how much its going to fuck up my life

I just don’t really know what to do

Also one of these guys that I really like 

I guess is just pretending to like me

I don’t really know…

He apparently blocked me on aim

And… he has no idea how much that hurts

I don’t know what he’s doing behind my back

But all that he does hurts…

Just everything that has been going on sucks

I left my most perfect girlfriend

For reasons I’m not even sure about

I thought I needed space

But when I feel like I need space

I actually need her more than anything in the world

Shes so beautiful and I don’t know why I did what I did…

I seriously want to kill myself

And im super serious this time

I just wish I really had it in me to follow through

If I wasn’t such a chicken I would actually do it and I wouldn’t just cut

I’m not posting this for sympathy

I’m posting this because this is my blog

Where I get to say how I feel

So I hope you can leave all your bad comments inside

….

Single

yes i am single... so stop asking
goodbye

To my best friends, to my secret crush, to my family...love you guys

I don't wanna make a scene. I don't wanna let you down
Tryin' to do my own thing, and I'm starting to figure it out
That it's alright keep it together where ever we go
And it's alright oh well whatever
Everybody needs to know

You might be crazy
Have I told you lately
That I love you
You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly

And it's crazy
That someone could change me
Now no matter what it is I have to do
I'm not afraid to try
And you need to know that you're the reason, why

I don't even care when they say when you're a little bit off
Look em in the eye I'd say I could never get enough
Cuz it's alright keep it together where ever we go
And it's alright oh well whatever
Everybody needs to know

You might be crazy
Have I told you lately
That I love you
You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly

And it's crazy
That someone could change me
Now no matter what it is I have to do
I'm not afraid to try
And you need to know that you're the reason, why

If it was rainin' you would yell at the sun
Pick up the pieces when the damage is done
You say it's just another day in the shade
Look at what a mess we made

You might be crazy
Have I told you lately
That I love you
You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly

And it's crazy
That someone could change me
Now no matter what it is I have to do
I'm not afraid to try

You might be crazy
Have I told you lately
That I love you
You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly

And it's crazy
That someone could change me
Now no matter what it is I have to do
I'm not afraid to try
And you need to know that you're the reason why


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPG9ZFNHFqE


{i do not own any of the rights to this song, just restating lyrics}