Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly

Life always has to really suck before it gets better
But doesn't that just suck?
I wish things were different
I wish I was different sometimes
I have this awful defense mechanism where I am just a complete bitch to people because I'm not sure how to deal with my own emotions
Sometimes it makes me totally forget who I am, or what I really want

I realize now that me acting that way doesn't do anything except damage me and the ones I love the most
Because I take it out on them the most
And the last thing I ever want to do is hurt those people

I hate when I get that way
I wish that I didn't have to be that way

I have hurt so many people being that way... especially myself

I can't accept things if they aren't exactly the way I want them to be
And I always wonder why my heart keeps breaking
Maybe because I just always set myself for failure
Maybe its because I expect too much
Maybe because I can never really see whats wrong with me
Even though I know there is something that is really wrong with me

I've been in love about 3 times... and most of those times I'm pretty sure I wasn't really in love
But this last time... I know for sure I will never feel the way I did, or maybe I should say do
But in reality I can't blame anybody but myself

My heart is in so much pain and its all my own fault
And I can't fix it, which makes me feel so much worse

If you love something, set it free
Thats what they always say
But they never tell you how much it fucking hurts to see that person go
Especially if you're the person that drove them away
And the thing that sucks worse... is that you are not sure if they will ever come back

I was so in love... so ready to get married to this person and be with them forever
But I fucked it up... and what I have to do is let him live on
But it sucks so bad because I know that I will never be the same
Because he's always going to have my heart... he's always going to be holding onto it, even when he doesn't remember me
I know that forever I will always remember this moment and the other moments that me and him have shared

I guess I should have been better and stronger for him
I wish I could have been perfect for him
I'm just so stupid for even thinking for a second that I was good enough for him

Maybe I took him for granted... thinking that he could really put up with my shit and fight for me
I am just so stupid for all that I did to make him feel bad
He's such an amazing person and I fucked it all up

But I guess there is nothing really left to do then to let him go
and even though it pains me to the very core of my body
At least I got to be with him and feel what love was like
And even though he won't really know... He will always have my heart

So I guess I have to thank him... for loving me when he did
And for putting up with my shit for as long as he did

I love you.

Its been awhile...

So I know its been over a year since I have posted on here
That seems like a long time doesn't it
A lot has happened
Love has been there and left
But life recently just really hasn't been what I thought it would be like
I was thinking that I was having such a food life
Everything seemed so perfect, I couldn't even believe it
I mean, yeah, of course it was actually 100% perfect
But it was pretty fucking close
By the way, if my grammar or spelling is bad, sorry. This computer doesn't have spell check.
But anyways...
Lately I have been feeling really alone
I haven't even really been able to eat, which for me is a HUGE deal
And when I force myself to eat, I end up throwing it up
Not good.
It happened really just recently, when things that were falling apart got worse
A lot of bullshit has been going on in my life...
And I figured what better way to deal with it
Than share my personal story with the world wide web
Of course, not like anyone really reads my blog anyways :P

People in this world will always let you down
But for some reason we have this crazy idea in our heads that some people will be there for you no matter what
Like your best friends, or your relatives, or the people you are dating
Let me just tell you... its not true
Your best friends can ignore you... and not invite you to things they should know for a fact you want to do
Or not even care about the fact that its your birthday
Same with your family, they can completely forget about you... or treat you like an absolute child

The worst feeling of all though is not even being ignored or being forgotten
Its feeling like you are not good enough
There was one person that, even though we really didn't know each other as long as I've known my family or my best friends, made me feel so fit in this world
This person made me feel absolutely happy
But there's always a catch... now I feel lonely than ever
That person can tell you something that absolutely rips your heart apart
I know its not this person's fault, and I know its not really mine either
But it just sucks...
I guess maybe thats the real reason why I haven't been able to eat, or really think
I know that this person just feels this way, and I can't stop feelings
But the hardest part about that, is that I can't even stop my own feelings about it
I just keep wishing, hoping, and praying that things will get better
Yes... I said praying

Lately my feelings of emptyness have just led me to really not be motivated for anything
Not to wake up, not to get ready, not to do anything
I just feel like I'm not worth much and no matter what, I will never be good enough
I can't blame anyone for my emptyness but myself
I just wish things were different
I wish that things were the way they were when I was just so happy
I didn't care if people made fun of me, or were rude to me, or even if my family didn't care
All I cared about was that one special person did
Because I felt like I finally saw what love was like

I'm not saying I'm giving up, or rolling over
I'm just saying its so hard to accept whats going on
And feeling like its all my fault
I had waited so long to be that happy
And all the sudden it got snatched from under me
I just don't understand why it feels like I'm the only one who really cares anymore
About anything... about everything

I just wish someone would be there for me...
To hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay

I understand how this person is feeling though
The things we have to go through are just so unfair
But I know that things can get better
I just wish they would get better faster

Nothing really feels the same anything anymore without this person...
I miss talking to this person 24/7 and I miss our stupid little jokes
Things just don't feel complete anymore
I feel the tighter I grip, the more I get pushed away
And the more I let go, the more I get ripped apart within myself

I just feel like sometimes that person forgets about me, when all I think about is that special person

I feel like we're just stuck in a crappy situation
And it seems like we will never get out

I'm just really hoping we will get out of this...

I just want everything to be better
Because this person is so special to me
He's my best friend... the person I care about more than anything else in this whole world
And I just hope he feels the same
I want to feel like he feels that way for me again

I mean we're not perfect... but I know he's perfect for me
and I just hope he sees that I'm trying to be perfect for him

Minds are Lost {This is a really old blog}

This is actually an old blog, that I decided to post because I feel like its helpful-ish :P and I'm not too sure whats up with my voice, but one things that I said in here made me want to put this up.

When I said that when people don't talk to me or when people make me wait.. I always look at the negative and thats very true. I have always been my own worst enemy. So yeah :P Sorry that the audio is off. Try to enjoy it anyways. By the way, this is a year old... so Don't Judge Me! :P

soo pretty much i just needed to get my feelings off my chest
and im a big chicken-shitt
so its hard for me to tell him this to his face...

The Only Way to Live

When you are searching around for someone to be with

You will never find them

When you give people what they want

They will drop you once they got what they wanted

I don’t get why people just aren’t nice anymore

Why people can’t be intimate with each other without the girl being called a slut

And the boy being called a player

And the reassurance that he won’t leave you

-sigh- Things just aren’t the same anymore

Where are all the gentlemen?

Why do they live so far?

Or why are they only gentlemen when it’s most convenient for them?

Maybe its just the way the world is now

It seems like everything is all about violence and sex

I think it should be about love and caring

…Well we can still have sex there ;]

Lol

I don’t really know anymore

I guess I just wish that people weren’t so stupid

RAWR! Lol

Anyways

Stop being stupid people

And be actually caring 

Its All For You…Its All About "Love"

You always wish people the best

When you say your goodbyes and fair-wells

You want to make sure that before they leave

That their lives are far less complicated than yours

I always seem to wish for you

I’m not saying you’re the best

You’re actually probably the worst

I mean…shit

You kind of treated me like crap

I mean…I don’t think you did on purpose

I think you were just ignorant

Haha… I still think you are

I know that you are still in love with her

And that’s great for you

But it’s torturous for me

Every time I listen to certain songs

I get a little teary-eyed or my vision becomes blurred 
{that also might be because I’ve been refusing to wear my glasses}

Especially If It Means A Lot To You

And You Had Me At Hello

Because I thought those songs applied to us well

Haha

I guess If It Means A Lot To You applies to us the best

Because in the end one of them gets left and their life is crashing around them

But of course I might be happy again

And maybe we could be friends

I highly doubt it, but we can always try

I’m not extremely angry with you

I am just so confused

I mean… why would you give someone false hope like that?

Give them kisses on the lips, cheek, neck

Call them pretty and say that you like looking at them

Gripping them oh so tight and making noises that sound so home-y and comforting

And then take it out from under them…

I don’t see how someone can be so heartless

But of course you did once tell me that you were heartless

I guess over time I tried to ignore that fact

You’re lucky though

I wish I was heartless

Because pain in the heart usually affects other things

Like your stomach for example

I was throwing up after the news you told me how ever many Sundays ago

It may not even have been because of you

I just thought the irony of that was very interesting

The funniest part about this blog is that

I don’t even care for you as much as it probably sounds like I do

I think that maybe you do need to do what you said

I think that maybe you need to put yourself together before you can be in a relationship

And maybe your statuses are about me

So if they are…

I want to give you a piece of advice

And this isn’t even mainly for me

You can use this on any other girl

I think a guy like you will need it.

If you hurt a girl

Maybe not even like the way you did to me

But if you hurt a girl in any way

Especially if you make her cry

It is really hard to get them back to how and where you want them

The strong ones at least

And I really hope you aren’t interested in the weak ones

As an old friend, I’m telling you to not be like that

You are going to have to really dig deep to get them back

There is obviously the traditional stand-by

The whole roses and chocolate thing

But that’s a load of bullshit

Girls say they want that stuff

But once we get it, we’re going to say to you

“That’s it?”

Personally, I’ve always wanted a guy to send me flowers to one of my classes

And then come visit me after I was done with school

Or just come visit me at school

With a bouquet of roses and this big speech about how big of an idiot he was

Hahaha

Sorry…just thinking about some guy doing that makes me laugh

Because…no offense… but boys are so cocky and stupid

They would never be able to put themselves on the line of humiliation and even the score

And I know it’s really difficult for you boys to admit that you were wrong…

But I think if you really care for a girl…

You should do anything you can to make her happy

I think that’s really all it is

Just happiness

And god damn I need a big dose of that

So I hope some one is holding the prescription

Because I’m itching for a cure

Random...as always [x

Okay so here’s what been going on

Wow I haven’t written a blog in FOREVER! Hahaa

Well… life is always…life-ish x]

By the way, this is going to be a very un-formal blog

I’m in class right now so my brain is a bit *boop*

ANYWAYS!

There are a few things lately that have been pissing me off

I’m going to give you the main word right here, right now

BOYS!

Honestly boys have been making me want to kill myself

Lol not really… but they have been driving me CRAZY

There are a few things I honestly don’t understand about boys

Why can’t guys just tell girls how they feel?

I know us girls don’t really say anything either

But its because we are waiting for the guys to speak up

-sigh- relationships are SO COMPLICATED lol

Also… What’s the rule on asking someone out?

I mean obviously I am not going to ask a boy out

Becaaause THAT’S EMBARASSING

FOSHO! Lol I’m on crack …sorry its just one of those days

I think my brain has turned to goo lol

Well this is a really pointless blog

Well at least I’m giving you something

I also realized something that is madly obvious

I HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH BLACK HAIR AND PIERCINGS!

On me and on guys

Pretty much, if you have long “emo” hair then you’re pretty good looking

But if you have long black “emo” hair then you are hott as hell

BUT! If you have long black “emo” hair and snakebites…then you are a fucking GOD!

LMFAO

I have so many issues its like CRAZY

Hahaha

Alright this blog was super pointless

But at least it’s something

Better ones to come guys

<3

Prince? or Frog?

I seriously have no idea who to believe

I mean in a way I want to believe the guy I have never met

But also I want to believe the incessant asshole

I honestly have no idea who to believe

I think I shouldn’t fully trust either

And just be cautious for the future

This honestly is not the first time I’ve been hurt

It’s probably the 7,890,475,837,539,789,645^th time

Hahaa seems like a lot doesn’t it?

And you’d think I’d be use to it by now

But I’m never going to be used to it

Either way… if the rumor is true or not

I think the guy I never met should try hard to earn my trust

I was telling my best friends,

“He better fucking send me roses twice a week for a month before he even thinks I’m going to trust him again” lol

Hey…I’m a sucker for roses

I still find it hilarious that the rumor was that I was in love with him

Uuuhm…lets recap

I HAVE NEVER MET YOU! Lol

I mean yes…I say I’m in love with Dahvie Vanity and Vic Fuentes

But that’s creepy super-fan stuff lol

I don’t do that with normal people

I know how to stand on my two feet

So I don’t really need someone telling me what my feelings are

Because I know what’s truly inside me

Its kind of hard to really depict what I feel inside towards this situation

But I’m going to kind of stop trying so hard

Because I don’t really know who to trust

And he’s got to figure out what he really wants to do

And what he really wants before he can get me all caught up in it

And he better find a good fucking way to apologize haha

Or at least be like “I don’t know why people are lying but here’s something to make it up to you…”

Lol, you know what I’m saying?

All I'm saying is that I like you

But the trust isn't fully there anymore

I’m just really sick of getting fucked over

It would be really great if I could find something and someone legit

But I guess you’re just going to have to prove it to me…

Prove to me who and what you truly are