This heart is yours so take it as you please, but if you walk away remember I need that heart to breathe.

I have been told that I am not good at letting go. I don't trust people as much as I should.
I can love someone without trusting them.
I even distrust people who haven't done anything wrong to me.

My best friend told me to let go and let myself love and be loved.
I think I am finally ready for that.

As much pain and as many problems I may have in my day to day life, I get to come home and whine to someone who has never listened with closed ears.

I get to be as weird as I want to be.
I get to sing loud and proud and watch him smile as I make a fool of myself.
I get to be kissed when I need it most, and when I least expect it.
I get to have strong arms wrap around me that make me feel like nothing can hurt me.
I get to finish his sentences and have him finish mine.
I get to watch him dream, and feel him dream with me while he squeezes my hand.
I get to be myself... all of myself.

Trust is something I don't give to people lightly. I am a pretty damaged, but I'm willing to be vulnerable with someone who I feel deserves it.

I will let go and believe in what I feel. I don't need these walls anymore.

This is a big deal to me, so I hope my heart is right about this :P

"I am so in love with you I just thought that you should know."

Cheers to the heartbroken, may they grow stronger every day,
Cheers to the drinkers, may their cup never empty.
Cheers to imaginative, may they never grow up.
Cheers to the handsome ones, may their heart match their appearance.
Cheers to the creative, may they always create a new perspective.
Cheers to the activists, may they always stand up for justice.
Cheers to the bands, may they continue to rock.

And cheers to the bullies, may they get their asses handed to them as soon as possible.

That'll be the last time I let you break my heart.

This will be the last time I waste my time writing about you, the last time I let my heart break for you, the last time I will ever tell you how I try feel, my last words for you.

I feel bad for you.
Originally I wanted to write this with an angry tone, full of hate and regret.
Even though a lot of the time we spent together I do regret, there are many things I need to clear up and have make sense to you, as well as myself.

I do hate you... just if you were wondering, but it may just be me hating myself for fooling myself into believing you loved me when it was blatantly obvious you didn't.
I'm not saying you never loved me, but I know you didn't love me the way I loved you.
I gave mind, body and soul... you gave bruises, deceit, heart break, and false hope.

You didn't deserve me, and I'm glad I know that now. You treated me like an object. You tried using me to replace some girl who never even cared about you. You tried to shape me and change me into the lifeless robot that she is. You knew it would be hard, but if I loved you enough, I would do whatever you said, right? You used to always say I was gullible... and clearly I was for thinking we were anything real.

I just want to know why... Why you thought what you did was okay? Why do you think continuing to pester me and the ones I love is okay? Why do you think you are so important?

Many people let you get away with the bullshit you have been pulling for years.
I am want to be here to tell you that it needs to stop.
If you don't shape up and grow up, you will be alone forever. Maybe having a couple girls here and there, but nothing serious.
I swear to you, no one will put up with your shit like I did.

"These hoes ain't loyal"? You were never loyal to me. So don't try to talk to me about something you know nothing about. I didn't deserve to be treated like garbage. The way you treated me was vile, cruel, and definitely not full of love.

I regret letting you change me. I regret letting you dictate everything in my life for so long. I regret letting you pick out my friends. I regret staying silent for so long. I regret some of the memories I made with you. I regret letting you stay in my life for so long. I regret falling in love with you.

I have to thank you though. Because you decided to use me as a punching bag... Because you tried to mold me into something I'm not... Because you used me, tortured me, and broke my fragile little heart... I am now stronger.
I am still damaged from my own self-loathing of ever knowing you... but every day I grow stronger. Every day I'm able to wake up with a crooked smile and know that I was strong enough to finally break free from your curse. I was able to wise up to all your shit.
Now I am able to protect myself, I am able to take care of myself and not depend on a giant control freak.
Now I know what I deserve and I know that I am better than that... I know that I am better than you.
I know that I will break free from all the chains I let you wrap around me. I know that I will move out of this stupid town I came to for you. I know that I can now love myself for everything that I truly am.

I know now that my life means more than anything you have and will ever give me.

I am better without you.

I really hope you change for the better. The man I fell in love with is gone, and I hope you are able to shape yourself back into the sensitive, thoughtful, strong, and creative guy I knew awhile ago.
I'm not going to hold my breath for that though. Waiting for that is like waiting for rain in a drought... useless and disappointing.And you have disappointed me enough to last me a lifetime.

This is my last note to you. I never want to speak to you again, and I hope you will respect that.
I hope you do realize what you have become... you told me you knew what you were becoming when I broke up with you... but of course as soon as you saw that I was in a new relationship, your childish antics had to flourish.
I hope you break that... you are no longer a child.

If you don't take anything from this... hear this:
I hate you. Never talk to me again. Grow up.... and just be a better human being.

goodbye.

Tired of it

I'm really tired of being lied to and i'm tired of people telling me not to do something and then they turn around and do it themselves.

I'm really tired of hypocrits and liars. 

I am changing myself a lot and trying to be a better person but its really hard when everyone around you just sucks. 

I want to be surrounded by good people who are driven and kind and supportive. I am not surrounded by those type of people and its really depressing and discouraging.

I just hate feeling this way and i hate being surrounded by so much negativity because it makes me so negative.

I just hope things turn around for me and that i can change my feelings around and hopefully people around me will be more positive, truthful, and free-spirited like i want to be.

Real eyes realize real lies

You can say i am a liar but i have caught you in lies too. 

I'm tired of being blamed for everything when in reality you r just too big of a piece of shit to admit that you are a terrible person and only care about yourself

I am so tired of this crap

I just wanna move away and never look back

I am just so done.

Second? Never again.

I just want to feel wanted. I want to be put first. I'm tired of always feeling second in the running. I just feel used, unimportant and unloved.

I'm really tired of feeling like this

I dont need it

I dont deserve it 

And its just stupid

Words of Advice/Making a Change

Don't let anyone treat you like shit, no matter what they give you or may offer you... don't let them do that.
Obviously they are low lives who would rather tear you down than deal with their own shit.
I'm not saying I don't have problems and have treated people bad before, I am human and I am 100% responsible for things that I have done.
My problem is with people who take themselves too seriously or people who get so mad over everything.
I have a temper and sometimes I let it control me, but I take blame for things that I do and sometimes I even take responsibility for things I haven't done.
But that's because I am actually a genuinely nice person and I don't like putting people through pain.
If you can't be responsible for your own actions, then you are just a child and need to learn to grow up.
Staying mad at things and constantly holding things over people's heads doesn't make you superior nor does it make you cool or whatever. It actually makes you look very stupid and childish.

I will admit, I am a bit of a liar. There are only probably 2 or so people I don't lie to and that's terrible, I know that. I am actually writing this blog to not only hash out my feelings but also keep myself accountable.
I don't want to lie anymore, I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I want finally live a life I am happy with.
Because its very true what some people say, I am actually very depressed and very unhappy with myself. Even people that I don't know can tell that.
 I was talking to this education adviser today about college and what I want to do next with my life, and he even told me that I sounded really sad and not confident in myself. Hearing that from someone who is a complete stranger really got me thinking.
I am addicting to repeating myself and constantly being in this cycle of pain and depression, and honestly, I am so tired of that crap. I want a fresh new start where I can be happy and learn new things and have new experiences.
So to start the change, I have been applying for jobs, starting my school search, and now what I want to do is try to find more time for myself, my friends, and my needs. I think what I really need is relocation, because all the places that I am at and have been have so much history that I cannot erase and probably will never erase.
I have talked about moving to Chicago with my father and although, it would be exciting to finally get to live with my dad for the first time since I was 5, its scary because I know nothing about Chicago and the people there are crazy. The only things that make me happy about the situation is that my best friend Justin will probably be moving there, my daddy will be there and my little brothers, and Chicago has an amazing goth and gay community.
I'm hoping that until I (might) have to move, that I can grow more confident and stop getting caught into this never ending loop. I know it will be a lot of work and I'm going to have to do it myself because obviously I am not going to get any help from the people I really wish would be there for me, but that's fine.
I am willing to make the change for myself and be there for myself.
I am ready for change, I hope its ready for me.