I have been told that I am not good at letting go. I don't trust people as much as I should.
I can love someone without trusting them.
I even distrust people who haven't done anything wrong to me.
My best friend told me to let go and let myself love and be loved.
I think I am finally ready for that.
As much pain and as many problems I may have in my day to day life, I get to come home and whine to someone who has never listened with closed ears.
I get to be as weird as I want to be.
I get to sing loud and proud and watch him smile as I make a fool of myself.
I get to be kissed when I need it most, and when I least expect it.
I get to have strong arms wrap around me that make me feel like nothing can hurt me.
I get to finish his sentences and have him finish mine.
I get to watch him dream, and feel him dream with me while he squeezes my hand.
I get to be myself... all of myself.
Trust is something I don't give to people lightly. I am a pretty damaged, but I'm willing to be vulnerable with someone who I feel deserves it.
I will let go and believe in what I feel. I don't need these walls anymore.
This is a big deal to me, so I hope my heart is right about this :P
"I am so in love with you I just thought that you should know."
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Cheers to the heartbroken, may they grow stronger every day,
Cheers to the drinkers, may their cup never empty.
Cheers to imaginative, may they never grow up.
Cheers to the handsome ones, may their heart match their appearance.
Cheers to the creative, may they always create a new perspective.
Cheers to the activists, may they always stand up for justice.
Cheers to the bands, may they continue to rock.
And cheers to the bullies, may they get their asses handed to them as soon as possible.
Cheers to the drinkers, may their cup never empty.
Cheers to imaginative, may they never grow up.
Cheers to the handsome ones, may their heart match their appearance.
Cheers to the creative, may they always create a new perspective.
Cheers to the activists, may they always stand up for justice.
Cheers to the bands, may they continue to rock.
And cheers to the bullies, may they get their asses handed to them as soon as possible.
That'll be the last time I let you break my heart.
This will be the last time I waste my time writing about you, the last time I let my heart break for you, the last time I will ever tell you how I try feel, my last words for you.
I feel bad for you.
Originally I wanted to write this with an angry tone, full of hate and regret.
Even though a lot of the time we spent together I do regret, there are many things I need to clear up and have make sense to you, as well as myself.
I do hate you... just if you were wondering, but it may just be me hating myself for fooling myself into believing you loved me when it was blatantly obvious you didn't.
I'm not saying you never loved me, but I know you didn't love me the way I loved you.
I gave mind, body and soul... you gave bruises, deceit, heart break, and false hope.
You didn't deserve me, and I'm glad I know that now. You treated me like an object. You tried using me to replace some girl who never even cared about you. You tried to shape me and change me into the lifeless robot that she is. You knew it would be hard, but if I loved you enough, I would do whatever you said, right? You used to always say I was gullible... and clearly I was for thinking we were anything real.
I just want to know why... Why you thought what you did was okay? Why do you think continuing to pester me and the ones I love is okay? Why do you think you are so important?
Many people let you get away with the bullshit you have been pulling for years.
I am want to be here to tell you that it needs to stop.
If you don't shape up and grow up, you will be alone forever. Maybe having a couple girls here and there, but nothing serious.
I swear to you, no one will put up with your shit like I did.
"These hoes ain't loyal"? You were never loyal to me. So don't try to talk to me about something you know nothing about. I didn't deserve to be treated like garbage. The way you treated me was vile, cruel, and definitely not full of love.
I regret letting you change me. I regret letting you dictate everything in my life for so long. I regret letting you pick out my friends. I regret staying silent for so long. I regret some of the memories I made with you. I regret letting you stay in my life for so long. I regret falling in love with you.
I have to thank you though. Because you decided to use me as a punching bag... Because you tried to mold me into something I'm not... Because you used me, tortured me, and broke my fragile little heart... I am now stronger.
I am still damaged from my own self-loathing of ever knowing you... but every day I grow stronger. Every day I'm able to wake up with a crooked smile and know that I was strong enough to finally break free from your curse. I was able to wise up to all your shit.
Now I am able to protect myself, I am able to take care of myself and not depend on a giant control freak.
Now I know what I deserve and I know that I am better than that... I know that I am better than you.
I know that I will break free from all the chains I let you wrap around me. I know that I will move out of this stupid town I came to for you. I know that I can now love myself for everything that I truly am.
I know now that my life means more than anything you have and will ever give me.
I am better without you.
I really hope you change for the better. The man I fell in love with is gone, and I hope you are able to shape yourself back into the sensitive, thoughtful, strong, and creative guy I knew awhile ago.
I'm not going to hold my breath for that though. Waiting for that is like waiting for rain in a drought... useless and disappointing.And you have disappointed me enough to last me a lifetime.
This is my last note to you. I never want to speak to you again, and I hope you will respect that.
I hope you do realize what you have become... you told me you knew what you were becoming when I broke up with you... but of course as soon as you saw that I was in a new relationship, your childish antics had to flourish.
I hope you break that... you are no longer a child.
If you don't take anything from this... hear this:
I hate you. Never talk to me again. Grow up.... and just be a better human being.
goodbye.
I feel bad for you.
Originally I wanted to write this with an angry tone, full of hate and regret.
Even though a lot of the time we spent together I do regret, there are many things I need to clear up and have make sense to you, as well as myself.
I do hate you... just if you were wondering, but it may just be me hating myself for fooling myself into believing you loved me when it was blatantly obvious you didn't.
I'm not saying you never loved me, but I know you didn't love me the way I loved you.
I gave mind, body and soul... you gave bruises, deceit, heart break, and false hope.
You didn't deserve me, and I'm glad I know that now. You treated me like an object. You tried using me to replace some girl who never even cared about you. You tried to shape me and change me into the lifeless robot that she is. You knew it would be hard, but if I loved you enough, I would do whatever you said, right? You used to always say I was gullible... and clearly I was for thinking we were anything real.
I just want to know why... Why you thought what you did was okay? Why do you think continuing to pester me and the ones I love is okay? Why do you think you are so important?
Many people let you get away with the bullshit you have been pulling for years.
I am want to be here to tell you that it needs to stop.
If you don't shape up and grow up, you will be alone forever. Maybe having a couple girls here and there, but nothing serious.
I swear to you, no one will put up with your shit like I did.
"These hoes ain't loyal"? You were never loyal to me. So don't try to talk to me about something you know nothing about. I didn't deserve to be treated like garbage. The way you treated me was vile, cruel, and definitely not full of love.
I regret letting you change me. I regret letting you dictate everything in my life for so long. I regret letting you pick out my friends. I regret staying silent for so long. I regret some of the memories I made with you. I regret letting you stay in my life for so long. I regret falling in love with you.
I have to thank you though. Because you decided to use me as a punching bag... Because you tried to mold me into something I'm not... Because you used me, tortured me, and broke my fragile little heart... I am now stronger.
I am still damaged from my own self-loathing of ever knowing you... but every day I grow stronger. Every day I'm able to wake up with a crooked smile and know that I was strong enough to finally break free from your curse. I was able to wise up to all your shit.
Now I am able to protect myself, I am able to take care of myself and not depend on a giant control freak.
Now I know what I deserve and I know that I am better than that... I know that I am better than you.
I know that I will break free from all the chains I let you wrap around me. I know that I will move out of this stupid town I came to for you. I know that I can now love myself for everything that I truly am.
I know now that my life means more than anything you have and will ever give me.
I am better without you.
I really hope you change for the better. The man I fell in love with is gone, and I hope you are able to shape yourself back into the sensitive, thoughtful, strong, and creative guy I knew awhile ago.
I'm not going to hold my breath for that though. Waiting for that is like waiting for rain in a drought... useless and disappointing.And you have disappointed me enough to last me a lifetime.
This is my last note to you. I never want to speak to you again, and I hope you will respect that.
I hope you do realize what you have become... you told me you knew what you were becoming when I broke up with you... but of course as soon as you saw that I was in a new relationship, your childish antics had to flourish.
I hope you break that... you are no longer a child.
If you don't take anything from this... hear this:
I hate you. Never talk to me again. Grow up.... and just be a better human being.
goodbye.
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